I think that I created a thread with this same title. So just in case I had, I simply added PART TWO to the title to distinguish them.
There are many wonderful people of God on this forum. I am making my appeal to you. No matter who you are. If I have offended anyone by my disdain for "alliterated sermons" or my disdain for 'organized church".....please......I apologize. It's not personal. I mean, we have never even met. And besides, I have discovered that I am the very LAST person to be critiquing "how it's done".
Over and over I keep saying.......that I am not seeing the fruit of God's Spirit happening, or growing, or whatever it's supposed to do, ....within me. And almost everytime, in your kindness, one of you or several will say: Kevin......from how you write, you are surely one of God's children. Or something to that effect.
But I can look back over my day. Hindsight is very clear. I simply cannot see how it is even remotely possible that I can be a disciple of Jesus Christ. My heart....my WILL......is OBSESSED (at times) with my own amusement, entertainment, hobbies, etc. Yes, I have given up the gross sins of my life. The adultery. The fornication. The drinking. The drugging. But STILL......I often think that I have only REPLACED them with my hobbies. At night, just a quick backward glance can reveal to me where my heart is. I simply have no assurance of my salvation and it is scaring me. Plain and simple. I can talk a pretty good game. I reckon. But I BEG GOD......I PLEAD with GOD ......for a clear assurance of my salvation from His Wrath. YES.......I believe that I was in Christ when He suffered on the cross. I believe that I was IN CHRIST when He was resurrected. Just as sure as I am that I was in Adam and Eve when they sinned in the Garden, and therefore.....all mankind (me too) died (spiritually). And Jesus is called, in Scripture......the Last Adam.
"And so it is written, The first man Adam was made a living soul; the last Adam was made a quickening spirit."But I look at my actions, and I see the fruit of a heart that is STILL trying to find satisfaction with worldly items. THINGS. Metal detector. Air guns (the nice ones. Made in Germany). I get totally obsessed with what I am doing and I end up spending all of the daylight hours doing it and the all of a sudden I stop and say: "How can I say that i love God?? HOW?!!!! When I give ALL of my time to selfish pursuits and only a pittance of my time in Scripture and fellowshipping with other Christians" I even have used my mother's sickness as an excuse to avoid going and sitting alongside other's as we sing a few songs and listen to a sermon. A non challenging one at that!" And I feel justified, sometimes. HOW? My pride tells me that those sermons I hear are so lame, so........unchallenging. My conscience begins to be on RED ALERT! RED ALERT! So....I modify my behavior. Begin praying with more earnest, Begin trying get back into the Scriptures with more fervor. Even join some Online Bible courses (of corse....THEN I can tell what few friends I have that I am pursuing courses of Study in the Bible. (yeah.....still seeking that praise which comes from man....instead of the praise that comes from God). Then I tell my own heart: "You ain't fooling me. You are still the same. You have just learned to LOOK the part....ACT the part." I am a hypocrite. I don't even see what value that anything that I say on this forum can possibly be because it is being belched up and out of a heart that NEEDS TRANSFORMED by God Himself. And so......I continue looking for that pearl of great price. And looking. And looking. Still the same. But looking. My own wretched heart is leading me towards a devil's hell!!!!!!!! And I am powerless to do a thing about it. I cry out to God.....recently with MUCH more fervor. I simply MUST have this thing!!!!!!!! But please don't be fooled by me or my words. I am still.......very much Kevin Blankenship. The guy who, when he finds something innocent and enjoyable to do......will get so absorbed in it that it crowds out all else. Even the very duties of the solid Christian man!!!!!!!!!!! People say: "Kevin, you are doing a wonderful thing, taking care of your mother." Yes, possibly so, but it is not that much of a sacrifice for me. In fact......it sure beats a 40 hour a week factory job (and I have had many). I am not THAT noble. I wish I was. But I'm not. I'm still me. Just weak, easy to get sidetracked,.......me.
So......there. I have said it. A small portion of what I deal with daily. Now, would someone PLEASE!!!!! pray for me that God would intervene. I want to know this self-less life. I want to FEEL pain when someone else is hurting and in need. And I want to be the one who WANTS.....to fill that need. I am SO lacking. So pitifully lacking. And before anyone jumps on here and says: "You, sir, are on your pity pot!" Maybe I am. I am not sitting here totally miserable. All I want , ALL THAT I WANT.....is to know that God wants me. Personally. Not just 'the whole of mankind'.....but does HE want me.