7 replies to this topic

[Kevin Blankenship]

(In another thread, just below this, ny first few sentences in this thread are responding to that thead, about "Working with" or Working For".....Jesus. I was replying to the replies, but since I was headed in another direction I decided to make a new thread):
Chipped China, your story blessed my heart just like Radar's story blessed yours!!!! Although Radar's blessed mine too. But both of your stories also brought conviction to me. Okay.....so I am here taking car of my mother, who has Alzheimer's. Keeping her out of a "Home".
But I could be doing SO MUCH MORE!!!!! I have PLENTY of time to finish yardwork (three big gardens) and housework (cleaning house, laundry, etc etc). So I spend some daily time with the Lord in prayer and Bible study.
But I find that I do NOT want to leave the house. My siblings never come around, and when they do, I find that I do not WANT them here. I haven't yet pinponted WHY, exactly, that I resent their intrusion. Maybe because they have been so lax in coming to help with momma. Or maybe because I feel that, if they criticize my efforts (which they have never done) that I will "blow up" at them.....and I don't like confrontation. One of my sisters is strung out on pills and she actually visited a year ago, and stole half of all momma's medication (during a time when I need ALL of momma's medication as momma was being very combative at that time) and then that same sister goes and gets a DUI that same night on her trip back to Nashville. I suppose that I don't want to have to "deal" with the possibility that she would come down again..... stoned.....and that I would have to send her away (although I have talked to the legal community and they support my Zero-tolerance policy in place down here at the house for momma's sake).
Can I just hang it all out here, and seek y'all's perspectives? Your advice? Help? Scolding? Or whatever you have to say on the matter???? I will TRY.......to keep an open mind. I had rather you tell me the truth, and hurt my feelings, as to coddle me....and hold back what God's Spirit is prompting you to say......if anything. Here goes: There are 5 of us siblings. One lives 8 miles away. My only brother, and his wife. They NEVER come to visit unless he wants money. When momma was in her right mind, she told me to give Don (my brother) the monthly interest that comes from his (Payable on Death....to Don) certificate of Deposit. I started fufilling momma's wish about that about three years ago. Never stopped. Even after momma started reall declining. My brother and his wife live in WAY below poverty conditions. He owns his own house, but other than that, he never leaves it, never looks for work, (he's fit as a fiddle). But when that time in the month comes (around the 20th of each month) when the interest checks arrive, Don has his wife call me. Sometimes I get aggravated and say: If you want your monthly money, you will have to come visit momma to get it!!!!! So he comes down, but ONLY for the money. He'll spend about 2 minutes peeking his head in the door saying 'hello' to Momma.....who by now, doesn't recognize him. Enough about him. Now, to the sister (she is a D.D.S.) who lives in Atlanta Ga. She NEVER comes because she cannot stand the possibility of smelling feces or pee, or any other unpleasantry of dealing with the elderly...especially Alzheimer's.
Then we have the youngest. They are girls...identical twins. One has come springing out of the closet and admits that she is gay. We talk, and I treat her no different. I don't start preaching at her about the evils of gay-dom. She already knows. And rejects the conventional theory that God made us, male and female. etc etc. She also goes to a psychiatrist who loads her up on Clonazepam (an addictive benzodiazeopine). Her, and her sister, a few years ago, and unbeknownst to me, started ordering prescription pain pills off the internet. Well, the gay sister seems to have gotten a grip, but the other twin got hooked badly. She has since acquired two DUI's. She lost her Occupational Therapy licence due to being high at the work place. She went through a treatment center. It didn't take, so her husband divorced her.
They communicate with me through Facebook Private Messages...which is very rarely. But eveyrtime they do, and I see that i have knew messages, my heart drops. I know that it is going to be them announcing that they are coming for the weekend to visit. This happened yesterday. Julie, the one who is on pills (well, Joy is too but THEY are prescribed and THAT makes it okay....sarcastically interjected) is the one who Messgaed me asking if it was okay with my scedule if they come see their mother. I do NOT feel like I should with hold ANYONE'S chance of visiting with their ailing mother, even though they have offered ZERO help to me throughout all of the "hell on earth" that it has been since I took this job. But even though momma used to give those two youngest girls thousands of dollars and spoil them, and sweet talk them, it's pathetic that they cannot make more time for her. But it has gotten to where I just don't want to see them anymore anyway. The tension is always high when they are here. Being an ex-addict myself, I can tell that they are 'feeling no pain' while they are here, but as long as they do not get out of line, I avoid confrontation. This home, while daddy was alive, an momma was well, has a very strict 'zero-tolerance' policy in place. No one was allowed in the house if they were on anything. (I would have been the major problem ten years ago). Anyway, after receiving Julie's announcement yesterday that they were coming Saturday and leaving Sunday, my countenance just fell. I'll be in much prayer about this today. I really resent my siblings. I know that THAT is exactly NOT how Jesus would deal with this. But unless Jesus gives me another, divine, method of loving them, I fear that I will continue to resent them. And if they get unruly while visiting, I will be forced to send them back to their home because momma cannot take the drama that seems to follow those two hellions around.
If you actually took time to read all of this mess......I applaud ya. I likely would have quit half-way through. But if you read it....thank you. Hope it makes sense but it;s hard to type as fast as I think .....with two fingers.

[Julie Daube]

Kevin, in light of your siblings' issues, I can totally understand your not wanting them in your home, especially considering the responsibility you have for your mom. You can't put her at risk. The fact that your sister stole half your mother's medication indicates a complete disregard for your mother's well-being. It was also a serious scrime for which your sister could be prosecuted and serve jail time. She's fortunate that you didn't report her to the police, and she should be grateful that you showed her so much mercy. In my opinion, you should not allow anyone into the house who is a threat to your mom's health or safety, even if they are family.

What you may need to do is set some ground rules about future visits. Make it clear that you have a zero tolerance policy (which is completely reasonable for any household and especially one where there is an ailing person for whom you are responsible).

As for the other issue of your siblings not offering to help with your mom's care, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask them for help (if you haven't already). When they say they are coming for a visit, you could suggest specific things they could do during the visit to help. Perhaps you could ask them to do simple things, such as running an erand, so that they won't feel overwhelmed. You might even schedule a task during the visit and say nonchalantly, "Say, Julie, while you're here, would you mind helping me with _____? As you can imagine, taking care of mom full time can be overwhelming sometimes, and it would be wonderful if you could just help with this one thing. Thanks so much!"

The resentment thing is obviously a spiritual issue, and it is perfectly understandable that you would feel this way. I am sure you also realize that you need to forgive your siblings and let go of the resentment, for your own sake more than anything else. As someone who has struggled with such feelings, I know how destructive they can be, especially to one's peace of mind. This is really something you can only overcome through prayer. Make a conscious choice to forgive your siblings, and ask God to give you the grace to forgive them. There have been times when I had to say repeatedly, "God, I choose to forgive this person. Give me your grace to forgiven them." When you find yourself feeling resentful, take those thoughts captive and ask God to give you the mind of Christ toward the offending person. Sometimes when I resent someone, I ask Jesus to give me His love for that person (this is what Corrie Ten Boom did when the Nazi officer who had abused her sister in a concentration camp wanted to shake Corrie's hand upon hearing a message she had delivered following her liberation from the camps).

I hope this helps! Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.

[Candice]

Hi Kevin, I agree completely with Julie's response - great counsel.

Also, that resentment towards

[Candice]

Hi Kevin, I agree completely with Julie's response - great counsel.

Also, that resentment towards your siblings is a spiritual battle. It is a natural reaction of your flesh. It is tough to let go and forgive trespasses that you are justified in hating. I know from being a human resource manager at a skilled nursing facility that caregiver suffering and burnout are common. You need tending to also. Maybe you have all day to do, do, do, but maybe a break is needed if you have a competent person who can fill-in. It's important that you somehow manage to get at least a couple days' break to get out and relax once in a while. I know this is hard to do if your mother panics without you and there's confusion with other caregivers. You are a blessing to your mother by being there full-time. GOD BLESS YOU for being there for your mother - a rarity among anyone, Christian or non-Christian these days. In such, you really are heaping burning coals upon your selfish family members. Hopefully, the LORD will bring fruit from this pain and frustration you are feeling.

As Julie said, there have to be boundaries. Your family will come around, and maybe the Lord wants them to see you serving your mom; albeit, painful for you to be in the company of your siblings. Oddly, this is an opportunity to love on them. I believe this is easier done one-on-one rather than as a group. I know for me (see below) I sit down with each person, no matter how addicted, gender-altered, gay, selfish, mentally ill or extremely politically bent. I want them to somehow believe that I would be there if they need someone - through Christ, of course. Sometimes feelings follow actions for me. While I may feel awful towards the person's sin, I know for certain that I was once seen by God as just a sinful. My sin may have APPEARED prettier, nicer, cleaner or more acceptable, but it's all the same to Him. It's really easier to be around the lost with this perspective (for me - just my own opinion and experience). Remember, they are LOST. I know you know.

Aside from this, just so you know I can relate totally, I know that my husband's family has similar issues. My family has issues that just look better because they're dressed up (with no where to go). My husband's family, with six adult kids, all with addiction problems, including grandchildren with similar matters, can be difficult to be around and not to be resentful. It's hard to watch. I used to vent my resentment to my husband. My husband's family lives in ..... (drum roll) ready? Berkeley, California. That alone will tell you something. My mother-in-law seriously researched a consideration to run for mayor of Berkeley many years ago!! She unabashedly takes credit for single-handedly ending the Indian occupation of Alcatraz Island in the late 60s, is a close friend of Noam Chomsky (Marxist), and a literal card-carrying member of and donor to the ACLU. The family's drug and alcohol use is extreme and it is tough to visit them. Nevertheless, we do. Marijuana is just smoked openly at my mother-in-law's home - kids or no kids. She is 88 and not suffering from dementia, but failing fast. My only concern is her salvation. Thankfully, the family takes care of her needs collectively. Her grandson stole money and morphine when her husband was dying of cancer ten years ago. The denial is horrible. She is surrounded by freeloaders whom she never set a single boundary with, certainly there's no 100% non-tolerance for anything. Once, at the beach house at a family weekend gathering, I asked someone to stop lighting up (weed) around my then four-year old son. I received the royal eye-rolling and nasty responses. It was zero tolerance at our home, but they managed to sneak alcohol in once on Mother's Day. The flask of whatever it was just went round and dumped into their lemonade!! That was the last time they came over. So, we go visit for just a few days a year, stay at someone else's house and my son and I go out for walks for lots of hours during our visits to avoid what my son calls "The Hoard". Not nice, but can't blame him as it is disgusting to watch. Also, the political leanings are strongly opposed to ours and vocalized constantly. We are facists in their eyes. None of them know what a real facist is by the way! I'd like to see any one of those women in a burkha. If any come to visit us in Wyoming, it must be one at a time - this has been very limited.

Well - I feel better having vented that one! It's been a long time.

Just know brother that others here, I'm sure, have experienced similar pains as Julie intimates. How you can bless family members like that while maintaining boundaries is only gotten by way of AGAPE!!

Hey, Kevin, a good video series you might like that my husband and I just started last night, is "Agape Weekend" on Chuck Missler's site. Chuck and his wife, Nancy, are presenting this, which has focus on marriage, but not at all entirely. I think you would enjoy it. This speaks to our only way of loving others is through Christ. Agape.

Hope this helped. I am praying for you on this Kevin.

Love, Candice

PS Please pray for Nancy Missler who was diagnosed with malignant melanoma in her sinus cavity a couple of months ago. She literally had part of her face surgically removed. It is horrible to think about of speak of. But reading her notes on the website is heart-warming because of her undying faith in Christ and His ability to use this. Pray the radiation cures her.

[radar]

Kevin, Can't add anything here as the others have covered it quite well. Candice did make a point that resonated with me in that being the only caregiver will cause you to burnout. That will make it more difficult for you to deal with resentment. The guilt will set in on what you may have said or did, and then devil has a feild day destroying your emotions. I don't know if you can get help with another caregiver, but I am speaking from experience, my grandmother died from alzheimer's disease and it destroyed the family. My grandfather passed away a year after my grandmother was diagnosed. He asked that the children would keep their mother at home as long as they could. My family had no one saved in it and I was in the navy traveling so I was spared the day to day agony the others went through.

The burden of trying to fulfil my grandfather's request caused my dad, uncles and aunt to blame, minipulate and abuse each other. Lifelong hatreds ensued that never got resolved, and in the case of one uncle, no hope for that as he is dead. They are all outside the will and salvation of God at the present time. Just recently my father has indicated a change of heart that I shared previously, but he spent many years in torment and bitterness. I was told by one healthcare provider there comes a time when you have to place that loved one in a professional setting as it is near impossible to do it on your own. I am not saying this is your case, but you seem overwhelmed and I wish there was something tangible other than prayer that I could do to help you.

Your family sounds a lot like mine. None of my brothers and my sister will have anything to do with that weird Jesus freak brother who lived like hell most of his life and is now a goody two shoes. (in there eyes). I have done and will continue to do my best to love them with the love of Jesus. I am the oldest brother and have been accused of running away to the navy to get out of the intolerable situation at home that I abandoned the others in. My older brother divorced his wife, came out of the closet, accused my dad of "making him gay" did not repay my father the ten thousand dollars he borrowed from him, and we have heard nothing from him for 20 years. This broke my mother's heart. She is saved but has a spirit of resentment and bitterness to my dad. They were divorced 30 years ago. My mother was very self centered and there was no way my dad could even please her, so my father gave up in frustration. He is bitter at her self centerdness. I listen to the circular logic of hard feelings they both have for each other but have drawn a boundary and let them know that I will not comment on either one when I visit them. I love both my parents and will not choose sides. My younger brother's business has went down the tubes, and he is hooked on alcohol and cocaine. I have asked his forgiveness, but he refuses so I have done all I can at this point. My sister has not had a relationship with me but she has recently started talking with me as I am helping her with her bills. My father asked me to help, and the Lord confirmed it by blessing me with the ways and means to fiscally help her out as she has a court date from her creditors and she has refianced her home twice in the last five years. She lost a good paying job, and works at Kmart 29 hours a week with no medical benefits. She was forced to take that job as her unemployement was running out. So an opportunity has now opened up to show her the love of Jesus now that she has swallowed her pride and is talking to me now. My alcoholic wife divorced me 20 years ago, and ran off to live her own life, leaving me with three children to raise by myself. My children were bitter and hurt, and I was careful not to say anything negative about their mother while they were growing up. Now that they are adults, they understand the truth even thought it is really sad. My youngest son got in trouble with the law when he was 17 and spent two years in prison. He is out now but only can get a job at Subway due to his convicted felon status. He binge drinks and does drugs to numb the pain. My fifteen year old daughter got pregnant, and her and her son and daughter and husband live a drug lifestyle. My youngest daughter had to be turned over to the state when before she was 16 because the state felt they could do a better job of keeping her from having a run-in with the law. That turned out to be a bad idea. She played a big part in my son going to prison, but he made the bad choices. So people tell me she got away with breaking the law, but she is suffering from depression, and is hooked on pain killers and demonically tormented. Last year I found my daughter in the closet incorhernt with a voodoo mask and a Bible. I have had to meet her in the emergency room four times in the last two years due to drug overdoses. Her husband is hooked on alcohol and drugs and my grandaughter rules the roost at thier home. If you have stayed this far in the story, there is good news, my oldest son lives in Virginia with his wife and my two grandaughters. They are all saved and living for the Lord. Together we are interceeding for the others, and I would like to think of them as God's first fruits of household salvation!

Well, I want to thank everyone here for a safe place to share our burdens and know how to specifically lift each other up in prayer. Although I am new here, you all have made me most welcome and I value your friendship, candidness and loving support!

[Travis Richey]

Kevin,

You have received a lot of great advice, and I won't take the time to say again what has already been said. I would though make a point of something that runs through these responses, but hasn't been stated point blank. And that is, You Can't Do This Alone!!! I know you are relying on God's Strength to get you through all of this, and that is indeed the only place our strength comes from, and I am Praising God that you are abiding in Him and relying on Him. But I think it very important that all of us become a part of a fellowship of believers where we can go to learn, to ask for prayer and help, and can vent and listen. A place where we can be encouraged and be an encourager.

Hebrews 10:22-25 says, "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

I know from experience that when we begin to isolate ourself, and limit our social contacts, that we begin to shrink...to become selfish...to become self-focused and self-centered. That is not what God has in mind for us to be. We require fellowship and encouragement, and though internet forums like this are a true blessing, they are lacking what takes place in face to face encounters with others.

I applaud you, and thank you for the example you are to so many of us here. The way you have accepted the task God has set before you of caring for your Mother with God's self-less Love is a beautiful example for me of what agape love is really about. I pray that you may find that place of fellowship, of encouragement that will further strengthen you in your walk.

In Christ,
Travis

[Julie Daube]

You have received a lot of great advice, and I won't take the time to say again what has already been said. I would though make a point of something that runs through these responses, but hasn't been stated point blank. And that is, You Can't Do This Alone!!!

Well said, Travis! I have read many times that it is impossible to be the sole caregiver of a person with Alzheimer's or dementia; burnout will be inevitable. During my teens, my parents took my grandmother in when she was in the final stages of colon cancer. It was just awful. Even with part-time, in-home nursing care, the stress took a huge toll on our family - at times we were all hanging by a thread. Personally, the only thing that kept me sane during that time was my relationship with God (we were Catholics, and attending church each Sunday was a huge comfort, though of course my parents had to go in shifts). So even with four people (my parents, my brother and me) plus a part-time nurse caring for grandma, the stress was nearly unbearable. Kevin, I praise God for the way you have stepped up to the task of caring for your mom, but I pray that you will get the help you need.

[Kevin Blankenship]

The replies have added much needed vigor to my life, both Spiritual and mental and physical. As far as the sisters, the two that are coming this weekend, I am fairly certain, going by their last two visits, that they will toe the line. I threatened to call the deputies on them if anyone got out of the car that even hinted of being high. (This was a few months back...when it was still fresh). The thing that complicates all of this is that I am a very non-confrontational person. I just want everybody to get along (that is yet another aspect of Heaven that I will absolutely LOVE). And I think by now, they know, that if they show up all loopy and acting silly (high), that I will quickly take drastic action and phone the deputies. (I have already talked to the sheriff, who is NOW a friend of mine, but who used to have to 'send me off' back when I was a hellion in my own rights.
I have prayed that the Shalom of Christ (listen to me talking all spiritual and Messianic Jewishly)......(nothing wrong with that, though)......and I truly believe that the Peace of Jesus will reign in this house and that the sisters will fall under heavy conviction while visiting. Their visit will look something like this: They will arrive Saturday afternoon, or possibly Sat. night. They will come down (from their upstairs bedroom which they share) for a few minutes to say "Hi Mommy!!! It's me and Julie, or...It's me and Joy....depending on who's doing the talking. Then they will go back upstairs. Very few words will be exchanged between us. The atmosphere will be a bit tense, but I will valiantly try to remain in a constantly prayerful attitude (because that is when I am easiest to get along with). When/If they start small talk, I will attempt to steer the converstaion towards eternal things......but only if I see an opening and without being one bit preachy. I am now in the process of praying for the correct perspective and subsequent attitude towards them. They are lost, and sin-sick, and they are attempting to stroll through life without the Holy benefit of having a 'lamp for their feet, and a light unto their path". I am TRYING........to empathize with their condition since I have BEEN THERE. But when I was actively using/drinking, I was NOT allowed in the house by Daddy (who's deceased) and Momma. There was/is a zero-tolerance program in place because it never changed. Just because momma is now bed-ridden and her cognitive function is very low, doesn't cause the zero-tolerance policy to automatically be lifted. Since I am the Power of Atty, and am acting on Momma's behalf, it's up to me to carry on with momma's will that the house be free of dereliction. I want to thank you all SO much for your prayers. I have really been analyzing this and trying to figure out why it stresses me out so much when they announce their forthcoming visits.....each time that they do.....which is about 4 times a year. Somehow, I feel threatened. And I'm not sure why. Perhaps I worry that Julie (the one that was an occupational Therapists but who lost her license, and got two DUI's) is going to want to "shack up" down here. But I have already talked to the lawyer and the sheriff, and told them that I can only deal with ONE sick person at a time. Not two. I will have to be adamant about that. But I am one who worries about something that is likely not even going to happen. I mean, they have visited twice already with no mishaps. In fact, it was quite peaceful. And on Sunday afternoon, they headed back to Nashville (where they live). Just like they said they would be doing this weekend. Nothing is ever as bad as I make it out to be when I am worrying about something.
But still, knowing that their are brothers and sisters in Christ who really care and who are really praying give me an additional boost of confidence. I find, right now, as I write this, that I am not even worried anymore. I mean.....they are just two humans. Nothing more. I have string reason to believe that it's MY thinking that is messed up in all of this. I let little things just weigh on me. But now, it's time to go to dreamland. I hope that I pick up where I left off last night, dream-wise, as it was something to do with God. I think that I was actually praying in my dream (not about any of this family mess) but about something unrelated. Good night sisters and brothers. Wouldn't it be neat of we could all have a rendezvous sometime at a resort. Like a big cabin or something, in the mountains, sharing and caring. Having Jesus in our midst. I envision something wonderful like that happening someday....when I have successfully discharged my duties here for the mother I love like my own self. Some of us could trout fish, some could rife horses, and then, after an early supper (not a heavy one that makes one sleepy), we could all go up the side of a mountain, like Jesus did, and pray. Who knows what could happen. People being gloriously filled or re-filled with the Holy Spirit. During the day, we could have Bible Study, and each day, a new person lead it. Everyone would be equal. We wouldn't give a hoot about Doctor of Divinity degrees or Masters Degrees. Just everyone using their God-given gifts to edify one another (something that is ONLY Spirit taught, and NOT seminary taught.) Nothing worng with degrees!!!! Not at all. A man told me one time when I was early in college (before I dropped out) and we were discussing degrees. He said: "Thermometers have degrees on them don't they?" I said: "Yes, they do." (wondering where this was going). He said: "Well, you know where they stick thermometers don't ya?." Of course, I laughed and thought it was the funniest thing that i ever heard. Anyway, as you may can tell, I am very tired and sleepy. I am starting to just ramble about everything. Good night.