Belief & Despair
#1
Posted 21 June 2013 - 02:51 PM
I wonder...I have recurrent, almost impulsive tendencies to just take my life. It is just as if Satan is trying to absolutely make sure I'm good and dead. Not always, but lately (few days) this seems to be the case, and I'm not understanding it at all. I guess when I received and believed and continue in prayer and reading scripture, albeit not consistently lately due to a recent hip surgery, I ought not have this terrible despair.
I would like to serve, but we have concluded there is no church here for us. We will move after our son is out of high school in three years. All but one friend have moved for similar reasons. But isn't the LORD here? What is the deal with despair? Anyone have this experience?
#2
Posted 21 June 2013 - 04:10 PM
I have tons of it lately. I'm in a school that daily puts me through what I would describe as spiritual rape. I feel constant pressure to blaspheme. It makes me feel tainted and dirty even though I fight it. I fight the horror of what I see and then I feel guilty for having unkind thoughts about my professor. I think, who knows, if I am good enough, maybe my good behavior might lead him to God.
I also have a problem with perfectionism. I think, "Oh God I love You so much. I want to be perfect for You." But I cannot be perfect, and it kills me that I can't offer Him that much. I won't go to a church, because I can't stand to be with people who treat Him in an offhand way. He's so beautiful and He deserves to be honored.
In addition to that, it looks to me like the lights have gone out in America. I feel the darkness. The evil is palpable.
It makes me sad, and the devil pummels me with my imperfections, and that makes me feel like dying. But, I do believe that it IS the devil. America has brushed God aside. The Lord told me He doesn't have much place here anymore. Even my college that was once a fundamentalist Baptist school pushes outright idolatry (literally idol worship, and pluralism in my chaplaincy class)
I think the answer is to find groups of people who love God and invite one another to meet together that we might help one another stand. Who knows when Jesus will return. I think it seems like it should be near, but the earth has had dark times before (look at WWII) and NAZI Germany.
Don't quit Candice. The very fact that satan is after you shows that you are God's beloved. I'll keep you in prayer. Believe in God's goodness in the face of the darkness. He needs you, He has a plan for you. Rest in His grace, and try not to be too hard on yourself. God's faithfulness is your bullwark.
Jeremiah was called the weeping prophet.
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#3
Posted 21 June 2013 - 06:52 PM
I will make it a point to lift you up in prayer concerning these feelings you have been having. But may I also ask you a question? As you mention hip surgery, I would ask if you are on any pain medications, especially ones you have never had experience with before now? Or, have you had any meds of any kind prescribed lately? If you take meds on a regular basis, and have added any due to the surgery, or any other reason, drug reaction/interaction can cause suicidal tendencies...so the issue might not be spiritual after all.
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#4
Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:32 PM
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#5
Posted 22 June 2013 - 04:28 AM
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#6
Posted 22 June 2013 - 05:57 AM
Please Candace, know that you are cared about and thought about. Yes, I have made, and am making it my practice to think about y'all during the day and am sometimes prodded by the Spirit to pray one for another. So let's do that now....since we are a cyber-group of intense believers in Jesus: Oh God, I/We are here, acting as Jesus's power of attorney, asking on His behalf, and on our behalf, since Candace is one of our own.....that You will give her joy unspeakable and full of glory, even to the amount were she HAS to say: "This isn't me!!! This is from God!!!". If the enemy of our souls has targeted her, than we proclaim: "The Lord rebuke you!!!! In the name of Jesus Christ!!!!" Oh God, may this prayer be heard by You, and may you consider our requests that you give Candace a joyful and hope-filled outpouring of the Spirit today. A fresh and new and vital outpouring. It is obvious to us that she is your child. We care about her. We love her, although we haven't seen her.....just like we love You, and haven't seen You. We pray for Your mercy in this situation God. And we ask it in the very name of the one who gave us permission to use His name when making requests of You, Father.....Jesus Christ....the Resurrected One. So be it. And Amen! (prayer over)
And Candace, I am writing your name down on a yellow post it note and putting it on my screen. Everytime I see it.....I will be like the widow before the unjust judge. I will continue to intercede on your behalf and I would think that the rest of us would do likewise, or in a similar fashion. Without love and heartfelt care, we are just belching into the wind when we speak of Spiritual matters. May it never be said of us. And may the King, Jesus Christ, get the Glory that is due One so absolutely AWESOME!!!!!!
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#7
Posted 22 June 2013 - 04:55 PM
After release from the hospital in Denver, I only took pain meds (Oxycontin) for two days - a total of four pills. One of those I took before the 7 hour drive back to northern Wyoming as my sister listens to contemporary country western music, singing loudly all the way and I just couldn't take it. Patsy Cline might have been fine. I felt vulnerable - so weak in the spirit. So, I slept about five hours of the drive.
I am on nothing medication-wise and haven't been for about 12 days. I take no medications that interfere - just supplements. However, I am dumbfounded that the doctor would prescribe so much medication post-surgery. He gave me 30 oxycontin. Also, 60 hydrocodone of which I have taken none. Also, I think the combo of anesthetic agents they give are ridiculous. I asked the anesthesiologist for the minimum. No - three things - you get a load of stuff that makes you feel absolutely spaced out before a spinal, then general anesthesia. I'd say this is hard on me, and I was nearly sleeping 18 hours a day for 8 days. Next hip, I'll insist on an alternate plan prior like just general alone. I have really had no pain to substantiate any narcotics. Physical therapy is intense, but most helpful and ice machine is great.
I believe that the impulsive tendency to just end it has been there since my teen years - I was in a coma for several days at age 15 after taking an enormous amount of pills. So, this is nothing new; although it's not anything I've tried since then. There is something that comes on so suddenly. DESPAIR. Like my husband and I went up the mountain for a short drive the other evening and there was just this internal sense and pressure to jump out of the car - which in some places of the road would mean a very long drop off a cliff. My husband doesn't know I feel this way and he wasn't driving close enough to the shoulder for this to work. I couldn't even speak the entire trip. I just was dumbfounded, mute, despairing. No other way to explain it. Seems spiritual to me.
My fear is that I will not be able to resist the impulse - it seems more easy to accept as I get older - accept as inevitable at some point. But, my friend says I can't repent, so I'd go to hell. Hence, my post on repentence and salvation.
Again, I am not feeling too impulsive right now. Again, it comes on suddenly.
I will keep looking up.
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#8
Posted 22 June 2013 - 06:47 PM
In James, he says: Confess your faults (not always charcter defects as such, but any fault....such as wanting to go against the God-given instinct to live) one to another that ye may be healed. I feel strongly that your answer lies with a regular, even weekly, or more if need be, regimen of one on one with a fellow Christian lady. Please don't take this to mean that i think that you have hidden, unconfessed sin.....as I don't mean that at all. I am just concerned about this sudden impulsive desire to "jump out of a moving car when it is close to a cliff, or something similarly horrible). I REALLY feel strongly that you need to 'hook up', and as soon as possible, with a Christian lady with whom you can confide about EVERYTHING. They don't have to be professionals. The Body Of Christ has the right lady out there for you. The Body of Christ in the USA is (I think) hard to discern right now because we know that everyone who sits in a pew on Sunday is not a Christian but is there to keep God off their backs and to ward off bad luck. No.....you need the real McCoy. And I shall pray that you cross paths with one and that a connection be formed....and that, soon. Until then, God will keep you. "He that began a good work in you.....will complete it." Self annihilation is definitely not of the Spirit. Thanks for the further insight into this malady. We can pray fervently in a more focused direction. Because we love you.
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#9
Posted 22 June 2013 - 07:39 PM
You asked about if there we any great saints who dispaired unto death. There is one, Elijah. After God defeated Jezebel's Baal worshipers at Mt Carmel, Elijah had many of the false prophets killed, Jezebel was furious and set out to kill Elijah, so he had to flee to the wilderness. In 1 Kings 19:4 Elijah said "And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." But God strengthened Elijah. Elijah also felt like he was the only true believer left, but God told him that there were seven thousand others in Israel that had not bowed down to idol worship. The devil tries to discourage us into thinking what is the use and we are all alone. He attacked Elijah, but God saved him and God will do the same for you.
You said you fear you will not be able to resist the impulse. I Corinthians 10:13 states: "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." Give it to Jesus, as St Paul states in Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." In our flesh we cannot overcome the devil, but the Jesus in us can. Fear is also from the enemy and the opposite of faith. That is why God says numerous times to "fear not" so His faith can shine forth. The sword of the Spirit is the word of God and that is why I am sharing these scriptures because God's Word defeats the enemy and instead of sitting still and taking the hits, take the offensive and fight back with scripture.
One other powerful weapon is the power of Praise. For me when the despair comes, I use the above and also play praise and worship music. I immerse myself with that and the Word. 2 Chronicles 20 is a great read on the awesomeness of God and Praise.
Jehoshaphat was being threatened by enemies greater than he. He gathers the people of Israel together and offer this prayer in verse 12 "O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee." He focused on God! God answers the prayer though Jahaziel in verse
17 "Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the Lord will be with you." So the next morning Jehoshaphat appointed a praise team to go before the army of Israel. When the army got to the enemy's camp, they found the enemy dead. The Bible says it took the Israelites three days to gather all the spoils of the enemy. That is an awesome example of the power of praise.
I had backslid a few years ago. I was angry with God, but deceived into telling myself I wasn't. I hated myself and everyone around me. To numb the pain, I went to drugs and alcohol. One day I woke up in the emergency room and found they were sewing up deep cuts on my arm. I had an alcoholic blackout and slashed my wrist in five or six places. While I was in the hospital being under mandatory 72 hours psychiatric evaluation, it gave me time to have a clear head and think just how far away I had gotten from God. I repented and went to visit my pastor. The first thing he said was that I should have busted Hell wide open and he was right. But God is so good to us and protects and loves us so much. I don't know why God spared me but I am glad He did. My faith has been growing since then and every now and then the enemy attacks with despair and discouragement. I am learning how to lean on the Lord and let Him fight the battle. I hope this helps and know I am praying for you.We may not have a place to fellowship with other believers near us but we do have this forum which is a godsend.
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"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."
#10
Posted 23 June 2013 - 04:38 AM
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#11
Posted 23 June 2013 - 06:25 AM
I wonder if it would help for you to write down the exact thoughts that trigger the despair, and then lay them beside what God says in Scripture. The enemy knows our soft spots--those sensitive areas that bring despair. However, the Holy Spirit is the "Helper" (one Who comes alongside). He is not the discourager. The trick the enemy pulls is to disguise himself as an inner voice (that you will think is God). He did this to Jesus (Mt. 4). I also think Kevin has a great idea concerning a Christian counselor. I mean which of us couldn't use an objective voice to help us sort out what's going on? Sometimes we're too close to see what's happening. I am praying for you!
Lori
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#12
Posted 23 June 2013 - 05:26 PM
Lori, I did speak with a friend who told me immediately this morning at a Calvary Chapel home church we sometimes go to for fellowship that my 15 year-old son is under attack. She could see it when she visited me a couple of weeks ago while my sister was here. My sister is not a believer, and I and my husband and son were vulnerable. I knew it would be so, but didn't always know what was going on while she was here. She said I needed to just say things out loud (fears, sin, etc.) to confess (as KEVIN suggested). This was no problem, I told her and she knew it had a lot to do with fears (as RADAR said, fear is opposite of faith) He's "good" but this is a spiritual battle. Not a mind-over-matter thing. I can't fight it in the flesh. I've turned him over to the LORD many times and must continue to rebuke Satan. I only rebuke the enemy with "may the LORD rebuke you". I won't have a conversation with the enemy.
THE LORD bless you for praying for me. HE will have to do a miracle here.
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#13
Posted 29 June 2013 - 02:34 PM
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#14
Posted 29 June 2013 - 07:12 PM
#15
Posted 29 June 2013 - 10:22 PM
How can a circumstance be so sad and uplifting at the same time? We all know something of your despair and we know your heart for God. He has you in both Hands and will see you through this. I'm very thankful many people gave you good scripture to cling to and that you were able to tell us about your fight. Sometimes the confession help relieve the pain. Whether is it all "princes and principalities or a combination of him and the frail earthly body; we can never forget we were made by Him and for Him, so we wait patiently and with His joy until we get to Heaven. You will be in my prayers sweet sister, as will all of you. Keep the faith and persevere. I think Jesus will be coming back soon! Bets
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