14 replies to this topic

[Candice]

Where in scripture are any of the great saints of great belief and obedience said to be in despair to the point of suicide?

I wonder...I have recurrent, almost impulsive tendencies to just take my life. It is just as if Satan is trying to absolutely make sure I'm good and dead. Not always, but lately (few days) this seems to be the case, and I'm not understanding it at all. I guess when I received and believed and continue in prayer and reading scripture, albeit not consistently lately due to a recent hip surgery, I ought not have this terrible despair.

I would like to serve, but we have concluded there is no church here for us. We will move after our son is out of high school in three years. All but one friend have moved for similar reasons. But isn't the LORD here? What is the deal with despair? Anyone have this experience?

[Lori Smith]

Candice,

I have tons of it lately. I'm in a school that daily puts me through what I would describe as spiritual rape. I feel constant pressure to blaspheme. It makes me feel tainted and dirty even though I fight it. I fight the horror of what I see and then I feel guilty for having unkind thoughts about my professor. I think, who knows, if I am good enough, maybe my good behavior might lead him to God.

I also have a problem with perfectionism. I think, "Oh God I love You so much. I want to be perfect for You." But I cannot be perfect, and it kills me that I can't offer Him that much. I won't go to a church, because I can't stand to be with people who treat Him in an offhand way. He's so beautiful and He deserves to be honored.

In addition to that, it looks to me like the lights have gone out in America. I feel the darkness. The evil is palpable.

It makes me sad, and the devil pummels me with my imperfections, and that makes me feel like dying. But, I do believe that it IS the devil. America has brushed God aside. The Lord told me He doesn't have much place here anymore. Even my college that was once a fundamentalist Baptist school pushes outright idolatry (literally idol worship, and pluralism in my chaplaincy class)

I think the answer is to find groups of people who love God and invite one another to meet together that we might help one another stand. Who knows when Jesus will return. I think it seems like it should be near, but the earth has had dark times before (look at WWII) and NAZI Germany.

Don't quit Candice. The very fact that satan is after you shows that you are God's beloved. I'll keep you in prayer. Believe in God's goodness in the face of the darkness. He needs you, He has a plan for you. Rest in His grace, and try not to be too hard on yourself. God's faithfulness is your bullwark.

Jeremiah was called the weeping prophet.

[Travis Richey]

Candice,

I will make it a point to lift you up in prayer concerning these feelings you have been having. But may I also ask you a question? As you mention hip surgery, I would ask if you are on any pain medications, especially ones you have never had experience with before now? Or, have you had any meds of any kind prescribed lately? If you take meds on a regular basis, and have added any due to the surgery, or any other reason, drug reaction/interaction can cause suicidal tendencies...so the issue might not be spiritual after all.

[Julie Daube]

Candice, please know that I am praying for you. Also, you are not alone. Elijah asked God to take his life right after his greatest victory. I have been at the point of despair many times, and so has my husband. When I was being bullied in middle school, I was suicidal. The only thing that stopped me from taking sleeping pills was knowing it would destroy my mom. There were other times during periods of great crisis that I wanted to take my own life. Thankfully, God gave me the grace to hang in there. My mom struggled with suicidal thoughts as well (suicide can be hereditary, or I would say, generational). And Travis made an excellent point about the possible influence of medications. I have a friend who may know of resources that can help you. I will try to get some suggestions. Remember that you are dearly loved, my friend!

[elizabethcog]

I pray for the strength you need to wait on God during those sad dark times Candice, He has not left you ever, those feelings are just that feelings they are not truth and the devil knows all the ways to use your feelings to lie to you for his ways are dark and evil, this too shall pass....Jesus ways are not always the way we understand but we know and believe and can trust His ways..He is good always and will deliver you just remember to seek out His help,and utilize the wisdom in those He sends you via counseling and medicinal changes as Travis mentioned. You are loved friend

[Kevin Blankenship]

Canadace, I am right there with you. But we must continue in spite of those feelings. I know this sounds hard right now....in the pits of true despair (i know the place very well...I even have my own chair). I'm talking about since i have become a disciple of Christ (not the denomination). "Grow not weary doing well." "For in due time, you will reap a harvest". So says the word of God. For me, HOPE is the virtue that counters despair. In fact, I indulged in a bit of 'hope' this morning as it dawnd on me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh one day!!!! One day!!!! It's all going to be different!!!!! It's going to be SO different that we won't even worry about the despair we felt while clothed in these imperfect jars of clay. Lori Smith really nailed it all home in her complete reply. I could have written what she did. Jesus is VASTLY worth FAR more than what we see Him being given these days. The church I attended, Riverview Baptist, has a pastor and a wife that you can never get on the telephone. He preached one time: Oh, I thank God that y'all (the audience/church members) don't expect me to go visit the sick members at the hospital and at home so that I can focus on crafting these sermons and Bible studies. (They are alliterated and about as Southern baptist as you can get....and we get to hear one of these....sermons? after song service...which is nothing more than a Bill Gaither Homecoming cover...done karayoke-style. (through with rant, back to you)
Please Candace, know that you are cared about and thought about. Yes, I have made, and am making it my practice to think about y'all during the day and am sometimes prodded by the Spirit to pray one for another. So let's do that now....since we are a cyber-group of intense believers in Jesus: Oh God, I/We are here, acting as Jesus's power of attorney, asking on His behalf, and on our behalf, since Candace is one of our own.....that You will give her joy unspeakable and full of glory, even to the amount were she HAS to say: "This isn't me!!! This is from God!!!". If the enemy of our souls has targeted her, than we proclaim: "The Lord rebuke you!!!! In the name of Jesus Christ!!!!" Oh God, may this prayer be heard by You, and may you consider our requests that you give Candace a joyful and hope-filled outpouring of the Spirit today. A fresh and new and vital outpouring. It is obvious to us that she is your child. We care about her. We love her, although we haven't seen her.....just like we love You, and haven't seen You. We pray for Your mercy in this situation God. And we ask it in the very name of the one who gave us permission to use His name when making requests of You, Father.....Jesus Christ....the Resurrected One. So be it. And Amen! (prayer over)
And Candace, I am writing your name down on a yellow post it note and putting it on my screen. Everytime I see it.....I will be like the widow before the unjust judge. I will continue to intercede on your behalf and I would think that the rest of us would do likewise, or in a similar fashion. Without love and heartfelt care, we are just belching into the wind when we speak of Spiritual matters. May it never be said of us. And may the King, Jesus Christ, get the Glory that is due One so absolutely AWESOME!!!!!!

[Candice]

Thank you all for your words of comfort and prayers!! Really, they are all appreciated and heart-felt.

After release from the hospital in Denver, I only took pain meds (Oxycontin) for two days - a total of four pills. One of those I took before the 7 hour drive back to northern Wyoming as my sister listens to contemporary country western music, singing loudly all the way and I just couldn't take it. Patsy Cline might have been fine. I felt vulnerable - so weak in the spirit. So, I slept about five hours of the drive.

I am on nothing medication-wise and haven't been for about 12 days. I take no medications that interfere - just supplements. However, I am dumbfounded that the doctor would prescribe so much medication post-surgery. He gave me 30 oxycontin. Also, 60 hydrocodone of which I have taken none. Also, I think the combo of anesthetic agents they give are ridiculous. I asked the anesthesiologist for the minimum. No - three things - you get a load of stuff that makes you feel absolutely spaced out before a spinal, then general anesthesia. I'd say this is hard on me, and I was nearly sleeping 18 hours a day for 8 days. Next hip, I'll insist on an alternate plan prior like just general alone. I have really had no pain to substantiate any narcotics. Physical therapy is intense, but most helpful and ice machine is great.

I believe that the impulsive tendency to just end it has been there since my teen years - I was in a coma for several days at age 15 after taking an enormous amount of pills. So, this is nothing new; although it's not anything I've tried since then. There is something that comes on so suddenly. DESPAIR. Like my husband and I went up the mountain for a short drive the other evening and there was just this internal sense and pressure to jump out of the car - which in some places of the road would mean a very long drop off a cliff. My husband doesn't know I feel this way and he wasn't driving close enough to the shoulder for this to work. I couldn't even speak the entire trip. I just was dumbfounded, mute, despairing. No other way to explain it. Seems spiritual to me.

My fear is that I will not be able to resist the impulse - it seems more easy to accept as I get older - accept as inevitable at some point. But, my friend says I can't repent, so I'd go to hell. Hence, my post on repentence and salvation.

Again, I am not feeling too impulsive right now. Again, it comes on suddenly.

I will keep looking up.

[Kevin Blankenship]

Yes, you have determined that it is spiritual......so spiritual problems can only be remedied by Spiritual remedies. Hence....continued prayer. Candace, are you close to, or have you got ready access to someone whom you can confide in...a genuine Christian counselor for instance? My job was as an A&D counselor at a secular rehab......but once my client was inside my office, and the door was closed, I flipped on the light switch. (allbeit a dimly burning light....but light nonetheless.)
In James, he says: Confess your faults (not always charcter defects as such, but any fault....such as wanting to go against the God-given instinct to live) one to another that ye may be healed. I feel strongly that your answer lies with a regular, even weekly, or more if need be, regimen of one on one with a fellow Christian lady. Please don't take this to mean that i think that you have hidden, unconfessed sin.....as I don't mean that at all. I am just concerned about this sudden impulsive desire to "jump out of a moving car when it is close to a cliff, or something similarly horrible). I REALLY feel strongly that you need to 'hook up', and as soon as possible, with a Christian lady with whom you can confide about EVERYTHING. They don't have to be professionals. The Body Of Christ has the right lady out there for you. The Body of Christ in the USA is (I think) hard to discern right now because we know that everyone who sits in a pew on Sunday is not a Christian but is there to keep God off their backs and to ward off bad luck. No.....you need the real McCoy. And I shall pray that you cross paths with one and that a connection be formed....and that, soon. Until then, God will keep you. "He that began a good work in you.....will complete it." Self annihilation is definitely not of the Spirit. Thanks for the further insight into this malady. We can pray fervently in a more focused direction. Because we love you.

[radar]

My pastor tells me that the greatest weapon satan has in his arsenal is discouragement. That satan will keep coming at you time and time again with the same temptation if he was once successful in attacking your life. You stated that when you were fifteen you nearly died from an overdose of pills, and that you had these "fiery darts" of suicidal thoughts since you were young. You have already figured out the attack is from satan. Jesus in Luke 10:19 says "Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you." He has given you authority in His Name to fight the fight of Faith. So we (as I have been down your road also) put on the whole armor of God and after having done all, we stand. We plead the Blood and we fight. We rebuke the powers of darkness. Your not alone, you have many here praying and fighting with you. The pills are available and satan knows it, he thinks that since he discouraged you once before, that in your weakened state he can kill, steal and destroy you. We know satan cannot physically harm us but he does warfare in our minds, and gives us thoughts to get us to do the job for him as our minds are the only thing that cannot be saved. This is where the battle lies.

You asked about if there we any great saints who dispaired unto death. There is one, Elijah. After God defeated Jezebel's Baal worshipers at Mt Carmel, Elijah had many of the false prophets killed, Jezebel was furious and set out to kill Elijah, so he had to flee to the wilderness. In 1 Kings 19:4 Elijah said "And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." But God strengthened Elijah. Elijah also felt like he was the only true believer left, but God told him that there were seven thousand others in Israel that had not bowed down to idol worship. The devil tries to discourage us into thinking what is the use and we are all alone. He attacked Elijah, but God saved him and God will do the same for you.

You said you fear you will not be able to resist the impulse. I Corinthians 10:13 states: "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." Give it to Jesus, as St Paul states in Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." In our flesh we cannot overcome the devil, but the Jesus in us can. Fear is also from the enemy and the opposite of faith. That is why God says numerous times to "fear not" so His faith can shine forth. The sword of the Spirit is the word of God and that is why I am sharing these scriptures because God's Word defeats the enemy and instead of sitting still and taking the hits, take the offensive and fight back with scripture.

One other powerful weapon is the power of Praise. For me when the despair comes, I use the above and also play praise and worship music. I immerse myself with that and the Word. 2 Chronicles 20 is a great read on the awesomeness of God and Praise.
Jehoshaphat was being threatened by enemies greater than he. He gathers the people of Israel together and offer this prayer in verse 12 "O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee." He focused on God! God answers the prayer though Jahaziel in verse
^{17 "}Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the Lord will be with you." So the next morning Jehoshaphat appointed a praise team to go before the army of Israel. When the army got to the enemy's camp, they found the enemy dead. The Bible says it took the Israelites three days to gather all the spoils of the enemy. That is an awesome example of the power of praise.

I had backslid a few years ago. I was angry with God, but deceived into telling myself I wasn't. I hated myself and everyone around me. To numb the pain, I went to drugs and alcohol. One day I woke up in the emergency room and found they were sewing up deep cuts on my arm. I had an alcoholic blackout and slashed my wrist in five or six places. While I was in the hospital being under mandatory 72 hours psychiatric evaluation, it gave me time to have a clear head and think just how far away I had gotten from God. I repented and went to visit my pastor. The first thing he said was that I should have busted Hell wide open and he was right. But God is so good to us and protects and loves us so much. I don't know why God spared me but I am glad He did. My faith has been growing since then and every now and then the enemy attacks with despair and discouragement. I am learning how to lean on the Lord and let Him fight the battle. I hope this helps and know I am praying for you.We may not have a place to fellowship with other believers near us but we do have this forum which is a godsend.

[elizabethcog]

It is so true the devil knows just how to try and undermine the things of God, I have heard all my life I am no good too pretty,too ugly, too thin, too fat,too smart, too stupid, why would you go there,they do not like you,why they hope you do not come.....some from people but mostly feelings that while felt very real..I know now were lies the devil told me but before I met Jesus I only used my methods to quiet or control(drugs alcohol relationships food the list goes on) NOTHING worked or works like Jesus and now that I believe He has euipped me to fight in this spiritual battle and given me defensive and offensive weapons and even others on the same side JESUS side!I found all this in His word the Holy Bible after He found me....I am so praying for all of us as we have been brought together to give God all the glory and worship Him as we pray for and lift up each other in prayer.....

[Lori Smith]

Candice,

I wonder if it would help for you to write down the exact thoughts that trigger the despair, and then lay them beside what God says in Scripture. The enemy knows our soft spots--those sensitive areas that bring despair. However, the Holy Spirit is the "Helper" (one Who comes alongside). He is not the discourager. The trick the enemy pulls is to disguise himself as an inner voice (that you will think is God). He did this to Jesus (Mt. 4). I also think Kevin has a great idea concerning a Christian counselor. I mean which of us couldn't use an objective voice to help us sort out what's going on? Sometimes we're too close to see what's happening. I am praying for you!
Lori

[Candice]

Thank you Elizabeth, Radar, Lori, Kevin, Travis, Julie! Your prayers and kindness mean so much. You'll never know here on earth how this has helped.

Lori, I did speak with a friend who told me immediately this morning at a Calvary Chapel home church we sometimes go to for fellowship that my 15 year-old son is under attack. She could see it when she visited me a couple of weeks ago while my sister was here. My sister is not a believer, and I and my husband and son were vulnerable. I knew it would be so, but didn't always know what was going on while she was here. She said I needed to just say things out loud (fears, sin, etc.) to confess (as KEVIN suggested). This was no problem, I told her and she knew it had a lot to do with fears (as RADAR said, fear is opposite of faith) He's "good" but this is a spiritual battle. Not a mind-over-matter thing. I can't fight it in the flesh. I've turned him over to the LORD many times and must continue to rebuke Satan. I only rebuke the enemy with "may the LORD rebuke you". I won't have a conversation with the enemy.

THE LORD bless you for praying for me. HE will have to do a miracle here.

[dcarlfunk]

I had the same problem with disabling suicidal thoughts and depression. It took awhile, but eventually I was diagnosed with OCD and put on medication, which has greatly relieved my suffering as well as enabling me to function as a high school teacher, husband, father of three, and member of the Body of Christ. I tried every "spiritual" delieverance/prayer/cleansing, etc., to remedy but these while helpful in some cases, generally added to my sense of guilt, shame, and failure. It has never been easy, but prayerfully consider if God would have you seek medical attention. What has helped keep me focused is knowing that God may not "cure" us of our frailties this side Heaven, but we are here to glorify Him regardless, and that God would not relieve Paul's thorn in the flesh, but considered him perfectly able for His purposes. When I am tempted to discard medication, I am reminded that I'm I best able to love and serve God and other people while on it. May God Bless you and keep you.

[Kevin Blankenship]

Just an FYI for everyone: Charles Spurgeon suffered with bouts of deep depression. I read that in his biography.

[chipped china]

Candice and everyone,
How can a circumstance be so sad and uplifting at the same time? We all know something of your despair and we know your heart for God. He has you in both Hands and will see you through this. I'm very thankful many people gave you good scripture to cling to and that you were able to tell us about your fight. Sometimes the confession help relieve the pain. Whether is it all "princes and principalities or a combination of him and the frail earthly body; we can never forget we were made by Him and for Him, so we wait patiently and with His joy until we get to Heaven. You will be in my prayers sweet sister, as will all of you. Keep the faith and persevere. I think Jesus will be coming back soon! Bets