9 replies to this topic

[Lori Smith]

When I first met the Lord, I was attending a Baptist church. I rejoiced in my salvation, but I still wanted more. I walked the streets looking for evidence of the Lord’s handiwork that I might know Him better. Then my husband and I started attending a Church of God. There I received a GREAT gift—the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I felt like God had wrapped me in Himself.

However there were also dangers lurking in that church. Indeed it was a holiness church and they taught that we must work for our salvation. Week by week I felt like I was on a roller coaster. On days the pastor preached a kind message, I believed God loved me. Other weeks the pastor preached condemnation, and I became more and more depressed. I also became intensely lonely.

My husband and I then purchased a farm, and I hoped that I would find peace in solitude. However, it felt more like I was living on the dark side of the moon. I would rant and rave at God on some days, and on other days I begged Him to draw near. On top of that I was frightened that there might be something wrong about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I feared that I might have encountered something demonic. I was in torment. I went to a Baptist church hoping for some kind counsel, and they made things much worse because they did not embrace the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, nor did they believe in having a relationship with God. The pastor then said these words that severed the last bit of hope that I still had: “Don’t try to get to Jesus. Go serve Him and then you will find Him.” Thus the one little chord that I had been clinging to in Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark." Indeed, I had put my last bit of hope in God’s faithfulness, and it seemed that this pastor was telling me to stop coming to God. All of my hope was destroyed. My world then became very dark. In response, I began to work 24/7 in the hopes that God would be satisfied.

But I have to tell you that God did not leave me in that condition. Instead, He took me under His wings and taught me about grace. He also put me for a brief period in an Assembly of God church to show me that the Holy Spirit was real and not evil. It was balm for my soul. Then the Lord took me by the hand and became my dearest friend. Indeed, out of this experience I found a friendship with God that I didn’t even know could be possible. I had a relationship like Moses had with Him, and God began to meet me face to face.

Unfortunately, when I go to most churches they don’t have this deep walk with God. I think great tragedy and suffering is what often brings us close to Him. Plus, most Pentecostal churches don’t understand grace, and I find that simply by being in them I become oppressed. I have found one online ministry that is full of grace, centered on Jesus and draws me closer to God rather than pulling me from Him. I also enjoy reading Tozer’s books because he also had great fellowship with God and understood God’s love for us.

I don’t often speak about this, because it opens me up to those who doubt that God can still walk with us. Plus, I'm afraid that I might offend well-intentioned pastors. But I feel led to share it because I believe that the Lord is telling me that someone is intensely lonely (like I once was) and believes not one person in the world cares for them. However, this intense loneliness is actually a deep spiritual craving for the fellowship of God Himself, and if you’ll be patient, He will meet with you.

[Candice]

Dear Lori,
You have hit a brilliantly familiar cord with me personally. The church has never been the answer; just CHRIST in us; the hope of glory. I can read that, write that, say that and still fall off my chair when I don't BELIEVE it to the center of my soul by abiding in CHRIST ALONE.

My husband, son and I have been in this small, rural place in Northern Wyoming for eight years and have been active in four churches - now back to a local baptist church where we started which is dead to the core. Oh, a few know the LORD, but it is lonely in the presence of some 400 people.

But, it is as you say:
" this intense loneliness is actually a deep spiritual craving for the fellowship of God Himself, and if you’ll be patient, He will meet with you."
This is the only reality we can truly know out there in the church realm. I say reality in that everything else which is cookie cutter Christianity is not reality. How encouraging that I know I'm not mad, insane or out of my mind simply because I don't fit into the church mold. I can put an arm in, a leg or two, but my whole being is never satisfied with church life. Church isn't the life....CHRIST is the life. It would be great if true fellowship were to be found in every "Christian" church out there. Wouldn't it be great? It never has been that way. John wrote through inspiration of the Holy Spirit about the seven churches (past, present and to come and the "type") and it's all the same.....THANK GOD you bring this up. So timely for me.

God bless you and thank you.
Candice

[Lori Smith]

Thanks so much Candice. I pray that God wraps you in His awesome love, mercy and grace.

Lori

[elizabethcog]

I too want to thank you as you let God speak through you to those of us that are in similar struggles,it is no accident that we find ourselves where we do, religion while intended for good left me desperat,lonely,useless and constantly in a struggle mostly with myself....but then I met Jesus and he really walks with me and guides me ALL the time.I don't understand nor do I try to anymore I just trust and believe him and he leads where we go.If i try and take over I screw it up every time and there he is still loving me still forgiving me and still using me He is our awesome God for sure and I am eternally grateful..I pray others will seek to know Jesus too cause believe me there is nothing special about me this love this relationship with him is one he wants all to share peace and love in Christ,elizabeth

[Lori Smith]

Elizabeth, you are so sweet and such a blessing. I'm so glad you are my sister in Christ.

[Kevin Blankenship]

This is such an awesome topic and it is very timely with me as well. I have grown use to worshipping God here at home. Sometime I go down to my mother's bedroom and audibly praise the Lord and then lay hands on momma's forehead and pray for her total comfort and freedom from fear. I also pray for her miraculous healing as nothing is too hard for God....not even endstage Alzheimer's. Momma seems to know what I am doing and smiles whe I am through. I then walk throughout the house, and then out into the yard (its a beautiful moonlit nite tonite) and pray and intercede for lost folks that I know. And for the Lord of the Harvest to send workers into the harvest field. I often sing a hymn or two although my singing voice is rather flat. In other words....I simply have church here at home. I sometimes serve myself communion. And I continue to ask Jesus to lead me to a true Gospel church that has at least a few people that actually love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength. I would go in a second. But I have tried them all around here and found them all going through the motions. It is as if everyone is going to keep God appeased. They seem to be attending faithfully so that they will not fall under God's stern displeasure.
Thereis a member of our forum here that believes that the Church in America is being led back to homes (like in the New Tesament) and I must say.....I like his logic. Too many so called leaders are getting rich these days on the Gospel becasue the organized church has it set up that way. And in most of these churches, only one man runs the show. The pastor. And this should never be. Everyone has a part to play!!!! But the modern church's format doesn't allow for people to minister to one another. You have a song service, an offering service, and the a sermon (which is usually alliterated so that we won't forget the main points), and then there is a nifty little poem or heart touching story at the end. Followed by: 'Now.....with every head bowed, and every eye closed.......". The only fellowshipping that is done is when you sit by your brother or sister in Christ for one to one and a half hours. And THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE CHURCH???? Needless to say...I am very disturbed about the format and layout of the modern church. It leaves so many people out. If you don't have a Doctor of Divinity degree....or a Doctor of Music degree of some variety, then you may as well select a pew to sit on because that's where you'll be doing your worshipping. Thanks....but no thanks.
How can the ear say to the eye: "I have no need of thee?" Or...how can the hand say to the foot: "I am more important than you". And lastly, in many if not most of the churches around here, the Pastor, or Minister, seems to take his style from the TV Preachers on TBN and INSP. Even down to having a head twitch. Or a bit of a jerk. And somehow, this is supposed to convey to the congregation that this is the Anointing. When really....it is merely annoying.
But I can crack open a Tozer book, or another Christian Classic, and get a good, no nonsense sermon!!!! And isn't it funny? None of the late great men of God ever alluded to a prosperity Gospel??? Tozer said it best: Jesus promised us a cross.

[Lori Smith]

Kevin,

I really appreciate hearing your input! Your willingness to be transparent unites all of us. I thank God for you and know that God has a wonderful future planned for you. Perhaps you will one day lead a home group where all will feel like they are an equal part of the body.

Blessings brother,
Lori

[landonmark]

Hi Lori,

I don't have much time to reply, but I wanted to tell you how much your words spoke to me.

As you know from our prior conversation, I am furthering my education in seminary for the very reasons that you spoke of (and that Kevin illuminated so graphically). I have heard and seen so many "trained " pastors delivering messages that, as Tozer used to say, ought to be doing something else. This is simply because of the damage they are doing to their congregations as a result of the powerless stuff they "bring in" to the ministry with them that has no place there.

I have no agenda with regard to this training. I have no desire to intrude upon the plans God has for me- only to be equipped by the Spirit and available for whatever He sets before me.

The "intense lonliness" that you spoke of has been with me for some time. But I know that I am not alone. My relational needs are being met (at the cross) by God Himself, and no other.

I pray you are well, and that your spiritual cravings keep pushing you closer and closer to the heart of God.

Mark Landon

[Charles Miles]

I would like to say something here...and please take it as it is offered...in love. We have all attended churches where there seems to be an absence of the Holy Spirit and the services are "cold". I do fear that this is becoming the norm as opposed to the exception. My relationship with the Father is personal, forged by Him, I am in His hand, my joy is overflowing because He loves me and that fact can never change! Jesus spoke of "salt" and "yeast", when discussing His followers and the church leaders(in that order). Why not ask the Holy Spirit to go with you to the next service? You don`t have to stand in the isle and scream that He is with you....people will know after a while. This "yeast" parable works, in that one small amount of Holy Spirit inserted in a "cold" church just may cause all sorts or changes. Why not take your enthusiasm and your relationship with the Lord, and infect the church with it? A "cold" church has a problem and you just may be the solution. Will it work? Well, every Sunday I pray before going to church that Holy Spirit will show up in a mighty way and our little Presbyterian EPC church is changing and it is fun to watch. I wanted it to happen in one mighty stroke...KABOOM! It hasn`t happened that way, but things are changing.
Go to church, take the Holy Spirit with you, take your joy with you, take your love with you, take your encouragement with you, and pray about God`s will with the church you attend. Remember Margaret Thatcher`s words "If you have to tell someone that you are a lady, then you aren`t one"...We children of God, filled with the Spirit, joyful about who we are, need to SHOW others what being one looks like. If we have to stand in the isle and tell others that we are children of the Living God, Holy Spirit filled, joyful and redeemed....well
I revel in the love God has for me...and for you. May God bless everyone struggling with this problem,

Charlie

[Lori Smith]

I want to say how much I appreciate the honest responses. I also want to add that although I have had some problems in some churches, I also treasure what I have learned. Right now I am studying the Reformers, and I can see how all of their experiences made them who they were. Thus, each experience was important.

Mark, I know that you will be used wonderfully by the Lord. Indeed, he doesn't give us desires that He cannot meet. Once He meets with you, He will bring richness through you to others.

Charlie, I appreciate your wise advice. That's something I have been pondering in my mind. Perhaps the Lord is speaking to me through you. I bless you for that; thank you so much.

Blessings to all on this forum. I hope that I haven't offended anyone. I appreciate anyone's offering to the Lord. However, I felt led to share. I also know that God is Sovereign and uses all things for our good. God bless,

Lori