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Selfishness........and other stuff.


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#1 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 06 March 2015 - 08:48 AM

   My own faith seems to be so weak that I cannot even keep a promise to God, no matter hard I will try.  For instance, for the last year or so I have been getting more and more into British and Australian TV.  Crime dramas, WW2 documentaries, etc etc.  I realized, one day, that my spiritual life was suffering grievous injury because I was NOT spending AT LEAST an equal amout of time with God, His Word, and Prayer, and fellow-shipping with other believers.  So, one day, it dawned on me why the joy of the Lord's Presence and the joy of having a pure conscience had left me.

   I have become like a zombie. Just sitting and flipping through the channels and seeking something that will move me emotionally. I particularly enjoy the old WW2 documentaries and the footage and the story line and I try to put my self into the soldier's place.....or the loved one back home.  It's quite moving.  But it has dawned on me.....and in a shocking way.....that I do NOT have a burning passion for Jesus Christ......like I feel that I should have. I mean!......for Pete's sake.......Jesus gave his own life......in a most HORRIBLE fashion.......that I (and the world) can be saved.  Why does that not MOVE ME?????? Is it because it happened 2000 years ago??? I really cannot blame it on that. Because I find it difficult to get close to people......whom I CAN see and who are here......now.  So, like it says in First John 4:20: "If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?"

    A  few months ago I was hoping that Jesus would kinda hurry up and snatch us away. But now, I hope that He takes His time.

    For the last week or so, I have tried to turn the TV off and spend more time feeding my spirit with Spiritual food.  Still, I find myself wondering what I am missing.

  I have finally found myself in Scripture. It is the only Scripture where I can say, with conviction, yes.....that is me all over. Here it is: 2 Timothy 3:2-4    "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--"

   This is a scathing indictment of me.  Figured a group of true believers should know the truth about me. No.....no, no....I ain't fishing for a hug....or sympathy.  I simply am SICK TO THE TEETH of being me. Occasionally, people will stop by and brag on me: "Kevin, you are SUCH A GOOD PERSON for taking care of your mother in her old age."  I've got to where I tell them....."please do not be deluded by me. I really 'have it made' down here. Aside from tending to momma in the morning, and every two to three hours there-after (she needs turning so that bed-sores do not develop), I can just sit on my skinny butt and watch TV or participate on the computer until I am like a zombie.   I REALLY think that I have been trying to force open a door that has been shut to me.....spiritually speaking.  If anyone would like to, I could use all the prayer I could get right about now.  I truly think that I haven't 'got this thing' yet.  If Jesus Christ REALLY WAS the LORD of my life......I would not have ZERO self control.  No, I don't drink and haven't had a drink in 10 years. But I still dip skoal.  I have anxiety attacks. So i am prescribed a few (very few) benzodiazepines to take....PRN when I have panic episodes. I don't get enough to be hooked on them. At times, they are a welcome relief from the panic episodes.  To be brutally honest with you guys and gals.......I really think that I am a sandwich or two short of a full picnic......if you get my drift. I do NOT mean to sound flippant or disrespectful.  This is just my of saying......please cry out to God on my behalf.....and here....I'll even supply a Scripture that gives you authority:  1 Thess 5:14 "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men."

   Thank you all for being here to talk too. I found a new church to go and fault-find next Sunday. Maybe it will be what I have been looking for. How can someone so sinful (me) be so awfully self-righteous.


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#2 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 06 March 2015 - 12:00 PM

Hey, I don't mean to bring everybody down. But I also ain't gonna try to pretend to be something that I'm not. I believe that I am a recipient of God's grace and I believe that I am included in what Jesus did on the cross, and His ressurection, along with the rest of those who believe. But the above post is me doing a James 5:16:  "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

   And, I feel pretty good that I got that off my chest.  I will not be a static Christian. I will continue to press through until my love for Jesus is my number one priority. But, according to Romans 5:5 "And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.", I will need the help of the Holy Spirit. And it is upon Him, that I am praying and waiting.  If I'm doing any of this wrong, I am open to instruction and I promise not to be 'smart-mouthed'  in my replies.  Of course, no one is duty-bound to reply. But since I'm snowed in, I will be at home all day.  I did share this stuff with my Christian mentor the other day. He didn't act like he understood alot of it. But still, it's good to unload this garbage. I'm not a very 'cultured' person. I am fairly plain-spoken. Meaning,......I am trying to be as honest as possible with anyone that I think is a true believer in Christ. Thanks for reading my morning meditations.


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#3 chipped china

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Posted 07 March 2015 - 05:25 AM

Well, I kinda think I have the same sort of thorn in my side as you do. And you're right people who are "normal" don't understand it. Sometimes I think the Lord will never heal me completely of my addictive personality because He wants me to

 need Him everyday, every hour. 

 

Your confession also bring to mind the Tozer's devotional on loneliness, and the need for deeper things of God.

 

The Loneliness of the Christian

by A. W. Tozer


The loneliness of the Christian results from his walk with God in an ungodly world, a walk that must often take him away from the fellowship of good Christians as well as from that of the unregenerate world. His God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of his kind, others who can understand his longings, his aspirations, his absorption in the love of Christ; and because within his circle of friends there are so few who share his inner experiences he is forced to walk alone.

The unsatisfied longings of the prophets for human understanding caused them to cry out in their complaint, and even our Lord Himself suffered in the same way.

The man [or woman] who has passed on into the divine Presence in actual inner experience will not find many who understand him. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent and preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious shoptalk. For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over-serious, so he is avoided and the gulf between him and society widens.

He searches for friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory palaces, and finding few or none he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart.

It is this very loneliness that throws him back upon God. His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else."

 

It may seem strange I bring this devotional up, but it's relevant to our issue. There are very few people I can really dive deep into God with. I'm no one special with my gifts but I do know when I find someone who has the smell of Jesus on them my senses are ignited and my highest interest level is absorbed with Jesus. I often pray to have that scent of myrrh and aloes on me so I can have more meaningful and fruitful encounters with others. The more I mature the further away I get from my family who mostly don't know Christ and are very liberal. I have to keep remembering that Jesus is in control and He continually intercedes for us. I don't have to use the old self to fight the battles but trust in my Savior to give me the actions and words I need.....confident with a humble heart.


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#4 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 07 March 2015 - 07:32 PM

Thanks Chipped China.  I imagine that I made many uncomfortable by my sharing.  But may God Bless you for empathizing with me. At least I ain't alone in my battle.  I wouldn't wish this 'addictive' thing on even my worst enemy. 

  But the main thing is, you post means ALOT to me.  I'm not the great spiritual man that I wanted everyone to see. I struggle.  And, sorry to say.....sometimes I don't even put up a fight. I'll just plop down on the couch and the coffee table is loaded with Christian Classics.....and so is my Kindle Reader.  But I'll sit and watch crime dramas on TV for 5 and 6 hours at a time  (tending to my momma every two to three hours).   I could REALLY be using this time to learn about and hopefully......become PASSIONATE about my love for God.  It's like.....when I quit 'pressing in'.......I tend to gravitate in a downward, fleshy, direction.  I'm not one bit proud of none of this.

    And I suppose that folks are 'sick to the teeth' of my posts that always talk about doubting my salvation and so forth. Maybe I am doing TOO MUCH introspection. Anyway......Chipped China......I should change my Forum moniker to Cracked  Cup or something since we have so much in common.  And I mean that in a respectful way.......I'm not making light of your Forum name......I think that it is brilliant.  God Bless You. In fact, I will pray for you tonite......and whenever you read this......please pray for me.  I think that my answer lies in getting out of my own head and empathizing about other people who have struggles. I know that I don't hold the monopoly.  Selfishness comes so easily for me. It's like a natural reflex or something. And I CAN be thankful that I have not touched any booze for almost 10 years. That was my real drug of choice. The only thing about benzodiazepines that I like is when they  sweep away, or mask, my panic episodes.  Carter Conlon was using medicine to deal with his panic attacks and God healed him and he hasn't had one since (according to his testimony that I watched on Youtube.) I love Carter Conlon's preachine. He's the Pastor for Times Square church. I have been watching his sermons, and AW Tozer has alot of sermons on Youtube (recordings of his actual voice) and I have been watching Jim Cymbala too. I really feel  that these men are truly men of God. Good night.


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#5 chipped china

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Posted 07 March 2015 - 10:18 PM

what are you learning from Carter Conlon and Jim Cymbala that stick out in your heart? 

 

I believe the only thing that truly satisfies the heart is God.



#6 Ginger

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Posted 07 March 2015 - 11:11 PM

... Don't know what happened but when I went to check on the post that was added my post was lost...So I'll thank God and ask for His help.
     Kevin, I'd been thinking about you for a while and wishing that you'd post so now that you have I can thank God for you and for you posting.
     Seems my faults are before me most of the time unless I'm busy with something on the computer with biblical, herbal or essential oil stuff, or email; and I go on about things a lot too when in contact with a person. So I've felt like l can understand where you are coming from and not blame either one of us.
     Some time back I believe God gave me two words that have been as helpful sometimes as a fire hose stopping the fiery thoughts. The 2 words are "God KNOWS." Somehow one day after 'thinking' "God KNOWS." the thoughts that I was on a rampage with just Sopped cold.  So little by little the things that I think and the things that I see with my human eyes are not as powerful as "God KNOWS". And I've been more aware of my faults than any virtues for sure.  Reckon some of us have this experience and it may seem that other people don't beat themselves as much as some do.  So, what's the deal?   GRIN. "God KNOWS." 
   God began a good work in us and He will bring it to completion helps me to take an easier breath at times too.  God's word does not return unto Him void but accomplishes that which it was sent to do, I sometimes wonder a lot about what is being accomplished and to save time and energy, well, "God KNOWS."
     A person can get so down on himself or herself and being chided to stop beating our self up isn't really helpful.  We aren't stuck on stupid we can just get stuck and again, "God KNOWS."  So I get redundant with these two words.  They do more than a lot of words.  Maybe God anointed them for me coz I got too weary to do any better and He does know about all the should things that can be thought or said. 
    There are a couple of things that are regular in our life; God's grace and His Tender Mercies.  All else, well there are many faults and failings and again I'm so thankful that it is okay for me to not know how to become full of fruit bearing good deeds, But to rely on the Holy Spirit working in us to grow us up into fruitfulness.  What would I see that is as God sees anyway? .... Maybe God sees some flowers that a cracked pot watered along the path... me thinking the way that I do, well I get to wondering about what something means and how to apply it... Well, the story about the cracked pot and water leaking out on the side of the path watering flowers made me wonder why the person couldn't plant some seeds on the other side of the path and take turns carrying the cracked water pot on first one side of the path one day and on the other side the next day... 
     Now something just up and popped into me old head about Jesus and Him frying fish and fixing breakfast for the apostles... that seems a good thing to think on and imagine about;what it could be like to have Jesus cook a meal for us or in us.... hmmm.... Perhaps, what I think about now is going and getting a can of tuna and just is something to thank Him for too... so I'll fix me something to eat, get me some tuna and crackers and just let me think about the Lord fixing things for us to think on ...He knows all about what we do or fail to do and is working in us for His good pleasure amidst it all as only He can... I don't know what He sees in me or in anyone else for that matter.  Since Adam and Eve had to be put out of the garden and it was for their good after they ate of the forbidden fruit and put out of the garden we all been in a state of sin and Jesus saved us, and I reckon our Lord Jesus has that all working out for His good  pleasure and besides that, nothing is going to take us out of His hand,  so long as we keep coming to Him to learn of Him... We can rest in His righteousness and saving and continual sanctification till we can see Him face to face. O praise God for His grace and tender mercies.... if I don't have anything else I'm highly favored with grace and tender mercies.
     Since we want to love the Lord and some of us can get to beating our self up and go into tangent mode about not feeling like we love the Lord or anyone else I reckon its time for me to go get the can of tuna, crackers, and maybe some cheese too and have me a snack and ask for the Lord to help me commune with Him. But I just thought of something else....
     Since all things do work together for good and we love the best we can even if we get to thinking otherwise.  God's righteousness is the gift to us (ours' is filthy rags at its best, self can't be righteous...it takes the Cross to accomplish that and only Jesus' righteousness will work for us... Well, I'm so very glad that it's Jesus that knows the truth and He is the Truth, we also know  Jesus is the Way and the Life and He is God and still will be both God and man, so reckon I'll stop and let it be just fine that God Knows and I can soak all of my methinks in that... and just say thank you LORD, thank you.
     May we enjoy the Lord and give Him the glory because it is written: So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it. (Isa 55:11)
     All by grace and tender mercies...thanks be to the Lord.  We can say Abba Father thank you for giving us Jesus.  Jesus thank you for paying the price and purchasing us and redeeming us and Holy Spirit, please teach us to trust and obey. Please and thank you dear God.
     Well, this post got way too long and most likely has some mistakes ... and reckon I 'got on one'... "God KNOWS."

Gently Onwards,
Ginger


Edited by Ginger, 08 March 2015 - 01:19 AM.

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#7 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 08 March 2015 - 02:38 PM

what are you learning from Carter Conlon and Jim Cymbala that stick out in your heart? 

 

I believe the only thing that truly satisfies the heart is God.

 That those men have a passion for Jesus. And that is what I want. So I wanna know how they got it. So I listen to them and several more.


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#8 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 08 March 2015 - 02:42 PM

Thank you Ginger. Your kindness and wisdom are very timely.  I don't feel as INTENSE as I did when I created this thread. I was sort of in an attitude of "WHY CAN'T I SEEM TO JUST GET IT?"  But, I know one thing for sure......giving up is defintely not an option.  Thanks again, dear lady.  Hope all of you have an awesome week!!!!!!


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#9 Ginger

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Posted 08 March 2015 - 06:40 PM

Kevin, Thank you.

You are my brother.

God Bless.

Gently Onwards,
Ginger



#10 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 07:48 PM

"A Man died for me, that I might live" Okay.......hold it right there. That gives me (and others) ALOT to meditate on right there. Just think......it would be very like someone pushing me out of the way of a bus and getting killed in the process. I would feel indebted to that man and he would hold a very special place in my heart.

  Or, say, a man was pointing a pistol at my chest and was counting down 3.....2.......1......and then BANG!  But when the shooter got to 1 and began pulling the trigger blade, a man, let's say, an Israeli Man, shoved me out of the way......and took my bullet. That man just saved my life.   It does me good to put stuff into a modern day perspective. And yet, the Man Christ Jesus, did that VERY THING for me! Not necessarily a bullet (though I have been shot at.....and well.....who knows)....and not necessarily a fast moving bus......but Jesus will save and has saved me from God's terrific wrath.  My finite mind has trouble....let me say it this way......my "mind's eye" has trouble seeing/comprehending the wrath of God. The Old Testament, from what I have seen, teaches me that I do NOT want to be a recipient of God's Wrath.  Look at what happened to the disobedient children of God as they wandered through the desert!!!! I mean, the ground just opened up and swallowed a whole group!!! And more.  But back to the Great News!!!!  A Man died for me (and you).  I think, sometimes, that the passage of 2000 years since all of that happened (The Passion of Christ) makes it very easy for me to become complacent.  My prayer....is simple. God, I pray that You will place a Holy Desire in me that makes everything else pale in comparison.

   As I have stated already, I simply spend too much time doing unwholesome activities......for instance......binge-watching all of Downton Abbey. I like the parts that 'move me emotionally'.  Makes me feel like I still got SOME sensitivity. But that stuff is just acting.......it's made up..........it ain't real.  And while this is not a wholesale indictment on TV.......I could sure spend ALOT more time just THINKING.......about the Man who died in my place.  Happy Easter or Resurrection day or whatever ya want to call it.  Love y'all. Night night.    kevin


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#11 chipped china

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 01:00 AM

Your above post made me think about what God has been showing me recently. I was listening to a conference speaker from Compass International and there right between the eyes I realized that I've never learned how to witness! Yea, I can tell my story and muddle through the gospel but I've never spent the time to learn pertinent scriptures and have a little presentation. Shame on me! Another thing I learned was asking questions is one of the best ways to open dialogue. Like, where are you expecting to spend eternity? 1 John 5:13 or  Why do you think you're here? Who do think Jesus is? Questions are important so people can come to conclusions.

 

I also have had trouble explaining the sin nature of man. Many unbelievers feel that are pretty good people and their God wouldn't send them to hell. They need to understand any sin is transgression against God's law. He is Holy and sin is no part of Him. 

 

This is something I'm going to spend time learning because I love Him so much.


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#12 Guest_Bobby Brown_*

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 07:41 AM

Kevin, I identify with what you have shared. Same problem, different circumstances. I've been sober 20 years by the grace of God, and belong to a loving fellowship, but I still feel like a lone pilgram on earth at times. Selfishness is the DNA of sin. I don't understand my own actions. I think, say and do what I hate. I seem to live in Romans 7. Wretched man I am. Thank God our Father for Jesus. Thank God for Romans 8. It is finished. There is therefore now no condemnation. I believe, help me overcome my unbelief and save me from my self.
In His love.
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#13 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 08:41 AM

I appreciate that there are others who feel this way and are willing to share it. There was atime when I would not have shared any of this on this forum because I would not feel qualified to share my Biblical knowledge with folks......and how vain can one get!!!! But when one gets to the point that they are SO SICK of living this way, then they will share whatever with whomever and quit caring whether people think that I am 'holy' or not. 

   The Bible says that we are holy and dearly loved as long as we continue to trust in Jesus during these horrible times of doubt.

  And he places people in our lives who are feeling the same things.  Like you, Bobby. I appreciate your honesty.



#14 Charles Miles

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 11:01 AM

China, Bobby, and Kevin,....I`ve been off my feed here for a few weeks, so now I get to "catch up" on reading this forum a bit. The three of you seem to be working on the same area, of strengthening faith and trust so as to become better examples of God`s children. Although it is a good thing, and it often seems so hard to do, working on our personal growth through Christ(for me at least) teaches me who and what I am and why. The very fact that all of us are struggling over these issues made me stop and look again at Romans 5 through 8 to again give myself the reassurance that all this work has already been done and is complete. None of us are perfect and I don`t think any of us think we are, but due to a work done by a man 2000 years ago on a hill outside Jerusalem, we are able to be the very righteousness of God. We are able, because of His work, to stand in the very presence of Almightly God and make our requests known to Him! Not becuase we did it right, but because HE did it right.....in our place. We can take all this struggle, confusion, feelings of self condemnation, and worry about how "good" we can be....and put it down at the foot of the cross. We can leave it there and go on....assured of God`s unending love for us just like it says in Romans chapter 8.

"But for the joy that was set before him, Christ endured the cross". YOU are that JOY! I am that JOY! He did it, not us. He finished it, not us. How about we just go tell someone about what he did? Somebody might laugh at me! Somebody might think I`m one of those evangelical people! Well, they just might, but they won`t say I`m selfish. "The ultimate act of selfishness might be a man who is content to go to heaven alone"...

Everybody have a very blessed day.....HE paid for it,

Charlie
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#15 chipped china

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 05:24 PM

Charlie, I'm so glad you're better! Your wisdom is always helpful. God Bless.


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#16 Guest_Bobby Brown_*

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Posted 17 March 2015 - 06:13 AM

Thanks Charlie.
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#17 Sojourner

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Posted 21 March 2015 - 09:48 PM

I've recently experienced what you were Kevin..even the British television!!! ...and by this time in the post I can see God has been faithful to your heart cry too! Yeah Ive been meditating on the beautiful thing he did for us...such an understatement from me... but once I'm there...once again, in my journey, only because he is faithful! its my best description. Your right, Passion is our answer..and we can hear his call to it..when he says love me with all your heart soul and mind, he knows nothing else will ever do, for him or for us, but what he is showing me, is That he has provided that too ...by his loving us first! In all his Glory of his cross.. continuously, washing my feet, just like he told peter, so yeah, then I can have the grace to wash his..in tears of repentance!!! now in joy, into the spacious places of HIS passion...first, but continuously...believing and recieving. I know this is where I have to stay, this is the place I rest, this is the only place I realize his divine nature working in me, I have to believe that yes it is finished and its not to Good to be true.. It just is the great-est truth ever. Im praising him for his faithfulness and unconditional love (first!!!) :) .. the most powerful force on earth... in us and through us, so again "it was good for me to be afflicted!" thankyou for sharing what we all need to sooner or later.. and letting me share, Blessings of his peace and Joy!
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#18 chipped china

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Posted 23 March 2015 - 12:16 AM

Sojourner,

Thanks for your passionate encouragement. I'm finding that if I don't cling to our Lord throughout the day I quickly start feeling negative, especially with what the world is going through. Praise God for His glory, power, love, perfect plan, and precious gift, Jesus the Christ.



#19 Sojourner

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Posted 24 March 2015 - 06:17 PM

Yes,Amen! I am praising him for it.. he really is faithfully just a prayer~thought away giving us the courage and perspective we need, Every Moment does count.. for the next, abiding in him is the only way... or I would die in the desert! No kidding~ He is Good! :) God Bless and keep us!
  • Kevin Blankenship and Charles Miles like this

#20 Kevin Blankenship

Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 25 March 2015 - 12:47 PM

I enjoy and am edified/ built-up/encouraged by your posts Sojourner.  Please don't be a "ship passing in the night".  You have a lot of "good" to pass along.......as you have already done!!! Very glad to have ya on board.