My own faith seems to be so weak that I cannot even keep a promise to God, no matter hard I will try. For instance, for the last year or so I have been getting more and more into British and Australian TV. Crime dramas, WW2 documentaries, etc etc. I realized, one day, that my spiritual life was suffering grievous injury because I was NOT spending AT LEAST an equal amout of time with God, His Word, and Prayer, and fellow-shipping with other believers. So, one day, it dawned on me why the joy of the Lord's Presence and the joy of having a pure conscience had left me.
I have become like a zombie. Just sitting and flipping through the channels and seeking something that will move me emotionally. I particularly enjoy the old WW2 documentaries and the footage and the story line and I try to put my self into the soldier's place.....or the loved one back home. It's quite moving. But it has dawned on me.....and in a shocking way.....that I do NOT have a burning passion for Jesus Christ......like I feel that I should have. I mean!......for Pete's sake.......Jesus gave his own life......in a most HORRIBLE fashion.......that I (and the world) can be saved. Why does that not MOVE ME?????? Is it because it happened 2000 years ago??? I really cannot blame it on that. Because I find it difficult to get close to people......whom I CAN see and who are here......now. So, like it says in First John 4:20: "If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?"
A few months ago I was hoping that Jesus would kinda hurry up and snatch us away. But now, I hope that He takes His time.
For the last week or so, I have tried to turn the TV off and spend more time feeding my spirit with Spiritual food. Still, I find myself wondering what I am missing.
I have finally found myself in Scripture. It is the only Scripture where I can say, with conviction, yes.....that is me all over. Here it is: 2 Timothy 3:2-4 "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--"
This is a scathing indictment of me. Figured a group of true believers should know the truth about me. No.....no, no....I ain't fishing for a hug....or sympathy. I simply am SICK TO THE TEETH of being me. Occasionally, people will stop by and brag on me: "Kevin, you are SUCH A GOOD PERSON for taking care of your mother in her old age." I've got to where I tell them....."please do not be deluded by me. I really 'have it made' down here. Aside from tending to momma in the morning, and every two to three hours there-after (she needs turning so that bed-sores do not develop), I can just sit on my skinny butt and watch TV or participate on the computer until I am like a zombie. I REALLY think that I have been trying to force open a door that has been shut to me.....spiritually speaking. If anyone would like to, I could use all the prayer I could get right about now. I truly think that I haven't 'got this thing' yet. If Jesus Christ REALLY WAS the LORD of my life......I would not have ZERO self control. No, I don't drink and haven't had a drink in 10 years. But I still dip skoal. I have anxiety attacks. So i am prescribed a few (very few) benzodiazepines to take....PRN when I have panic episodes. I don't get enough to be hooked on them. At times, they are a welcome relief from the panic episodes. To be brutally honest with you guys and gals.......I really think that I am a sandwich or two short of a full picnic......if you get my drift. I do NOT mean to sound flippant or disrespectful. This is just my of saying......please cry out to God on my behalf.....and here....I'll even supply a Scripture that gives you authority: 1 Thess 5:14 "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men."
Thank you all for being here to talk too. I found a new church to go and fault-find next Sunday. Maybe it will be what I have been looking for. How can someone so sinful (me) be so awfully self-righteous.