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#1 CHRISTOPHER310

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Posted 26 March 2014 - 09:03 PM

It’s been a wee bit since I have posted here. It’s been pure turmoil and getting alot worst. Me mom has developed serious health issues and has been in the hospital. She has been out for a week now, but her prognosis is bad. It’s an issue of quality of time rather than the amount of time. She also has changed in personality. She has become sensitive and easy to anger. Bitter and critical about almost everything. She is self reliant about 80 percent of the time, but the remaining 20 percent I assist her. This includes her driving as she no longer can drive. Any place or appointment or reason and I driver her. I understand why she feels the way she does and why she has become who she is in her personality. It’s being on the painful receiving end that hurts. Too much pain on that end and it will only get worst with her. I have a reasonable size family I was raised with, but none care about mom beyond surface butt kissing to look good and boost their egos. They have always been this way and held hate and judgments towards me. They do not give support to me for mom, but judgments and insults for their own comforting egos. So I have no actually family to turn to for help with mom or to give me a break to take care of myself or needs. I have returned back to my church a few weeks ago, but not because of mom. Because I needed it for me and my break from it was far from over. It was time I returned. People there know what is going on and offer me support as best as they can, but they have their own struggles and lives. Their support is limited at best ( no fault of theirs ) and that really isn’t making an impact on things to the level I need help with. I have no one. Mom’s needs, life, issues, and so on are on me alone plus my life and me are put on hold and backing up more and more. I do not blame mom. This is not her fault. This is life. I am hurt by the words and reactions mom takes, but not much I can do with that pain. If anything, I am mad at my siblings for their unwillingness to help. They have never forgiven mom or healed from the childhood we survived. It was a true horrible childhood. I understand their hurt. I have it to, but I made a point to deal with my pain ( counseling, faith, groups, so on  ) so it would no longer effect me or my life. I can understand alot, but I can deal with so much less. I need a break from all of this. I need someone to step in and take my place so I can take a break and breath in my life. Such needs will go unmet until mom’s time comes and the dust of that settles. To which, mom’s passing will be one of family war. Greed and greed and anger at me for I alone am in charge of all mom’s affairs and such. I will not give into their greed or egos. I will only honor mom’s wishes and do what I feel it right. This will lead to a war and the signs of that have already started to show.

You ever feel like falling and not getting back up? I do. Wow, I so do. 



#2 chipped china

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 02:19 AM

This situation is so sad. I'm sorry Christopher. Maybe you have already tried looking into getting some help through your county's or city's hospice or social services?
I will be praying for you, and I know the Lord will find a way to help you bare this.

I'm also saddened by your church and family not stepping up. In eternity there will be no more of this.
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#3 DonnaA

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 03:42 AM

I'm thankful for the update, but I'm sorry to see that you have such a heavy burden. I was going to suggest the same as chipped china, social services or hospice ... I don't know what your area is like, but we have social services for adults, which provide a tremendous help for our elders. And, hospice was a huge blessing to me during the passing of my husband, very compassionate people.

 

I'm praying in agreement with chipped china, that the Lord will find a way to help you bear this burden.

 

Wish I could fly out there and give you a hand ...


Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 

We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 

we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed.

~2 Corinthians 4:7-9~


#4 noah22x

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 04:57 AM

Brother, you can do this. Grit your teeth until they break. You can do this. Don't buckle to bitterness or under it. You can do this. Fall often, fail often, but get back up. Every time. You can. And when you do, give glory to God. For His grace, the unmerited favor of the very constructor of all that is, the Almighty God, is inside of every cell that makes up your being. So you can. And you will.  Though you may be Job in the ashes right now, you will be restored.

 

Strength and comfort be to you Brother,

Glory to God

Noah


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#5 Julie Daube

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 08:54 AM

Christopher, my heart just breaks for you. I am praying for God's mercy, comfort, favor, grace, strength and wisdom as you bear this burden. I also urge you to seek help through social services or hospice, as others have suggested. You cannot do this alone. This isn't just an opinion; any professional who deals with the elderly will tell you that you need outside help and support. You sound like you're at the breaking point - that is not a good place to be in when you are someone's caregiver. I pray that God will lead you to resources that can help you.
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#6 Meema

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 11:33 AM

It would be absurd for me to tell you that I know what you are dealing with but what I can tell you is that I have been primary care giver for a declining elder three times in my life so what I am going to say does come from experience. The first time I was a young mother with three little ones to care for. I don’t recall sleeping much during those long months. The second time I was older but I had to juggle a job, teenagers and a parent who refused medical help. 

 

The third time was more recent - in 2009. It was the worst because it involved an 84 year old with advancing Alzheimers. In all three cases I thought I couldn’t do it. I thought it would be the end of my sanity, there would be nothing left of me to rise back up. But whenever I prayed for relief and I asked why me, I got the same answer - ‘because I chose you’. Somehow understanding that one has been ‘chosen’ to do a job gives it importance that cuts through the fog and answers the questions ‘why’ and 'how' with need for little else. 

 

But there is one more thing you need to know. If at any point you feel the burden is too great and the effort not appreciated, either by the one in your care or the ones who were not capable of doing what you are doing, think of it like this - you were chosen, you, the one whom God knew He could entrust the job to so really, in the end, you are doing it for Him. I’ll bet you can do it for Him, can’t you? 

 

Praying for your heart and load to be lightened,

 

Meema


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#7 Kenny

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 12:25 PM

 

It’s been a wee bit since I have posted here. It’s been pure turmoil and getting alot worst. Me mom has developed serious health issues and has been in the hospital. She has been out for a week now, but her prognosis is bad. It’s an issue of quality of time rather than the amount of time. She also has changed in personality. She has become sensitive and easy to anger. Bitter and critical about almost everything. She is self reliant about 80 percent of the time, but the remaining 20 percent I assist her. This includes her driving as she no longer can drive. Any place or appointment or reason and I driver her. I understand why she feels the way she does and why she has become who she is in her personality. It’s being on the painful receiving end that hurts. Too much pain on that end and it will only get worst with her. I have a reasonable size family I was raised with, but none care about mom beyond surface butt kissing to look good and boost their egos. They have always been this way and held hate and judgments towards me. They do not give support to me for mom, but judgments and insults for their own comforting egos. So I have no actually family to turn to for help with mom or to give me a break to take care of myself or needs. I have returned back to my church a few weeks ago, but not because of mom. Because I needed it for me and my break from it was far from over. It was time I returned. People there know what is going on and offer me support as best as they can, but they have their own struggles and lives. Their support is limited at best ( no fault of theirs ) and that really isn’t making an impact on things to the level I need help with. I have no one. Mom’s needs, life, issues, and so on are on me alone plus my life and me are put on hold and backing up more and more. I do not blame mom. This is not her fault. This is life. I am hurt by the words and reactions mom takes, but not much I can do with that pain. If anything, I am mad at my siblings for their unwillingness to help. They have never forgiven mom or healed from the childhood we survived. It was a true horrible childhood. I understand their hurt. I have it to, but I made a point to deal with my pain ( counseling, faith, groups, so on  ) so it would no longer effect me or my life. I can understand alot, but I can deal with so much less. I need a break from all of this. I need someone to step in and take my place so I can take a break and breath in my life. Such needs will go unmet until mom’s time comes and the dust of that settles. To which, mom’s passing will be one of family war. Greed and greed and anger at me for I alone am in charge of all mom’s affairs and such. I will not give into their greed or egos. I will only honor mom’s wishes and do what I feel it right. This will lead to a war and the signs of that have already started to show.

You ever feel like falling and not getting back up? I do. Wow, I so do. 

 

 

Hello Christopher

 

I have had to endure similar circumstances and at the time everyone abandoned me. There was no one to help. I made many phone calls to try to find help, but no one would return my calls any longer. The only One I could go to was the Lord. I cried out to Him, and He sustained me and gave me the strength to carry on. I learned one Scriptural lesson through it all which is this . . . "he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness"  "for when I am weak, then am I strong" - 2 Cor 12:9-10

 

Praying for you

Kenny


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#8 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 12:36 PM

Christopher, our situations are not totally unalike. I have a brother and three sisters. I am my mothers primary caregiver as she is bedridden with Alzheimer's disease. She takes her nourishment through a PEG stomach tube. And has a Foley catheter inserted.

  One of my siblings, my brother, lives only 8 miles away and rarely comes to visit. My three sisters only come to visit at Christmas or their birthday when they expect a bit of cash to be handed to them by me and my aunt. (My aunt and I are the medical power of attorney and durable power of attorney for momma).

  Day in and day out I tend to momma's every need.  I must regularly clean her up if she has a bowel movement. It was NOT EASY to overcome the "weirdness" that I felt when I first had to clean her up after incontinence. But I had NO CHOICE!!!! If I didn't clean her up.....she would not get clean.  At THAT stage of her Alzheimer's she was resisting and combatant.  I had to clean her up as she tried to scratch my eyes out.  And I had to bite my tongue, almost in two!!!!!!!  No, I'm not holding back. I'm telling like it was!!!!! It was VERY difficult. I felt that I was going insane at times. At times I would feel monstrous guilt for feeling what I felt (at times) and what I said (at times) when I would finally lose my temper and lash out verbally.  But the entire thing  caused me to go to God with a fervour that I have never had. And HE HELPED!!!!!!!!  I got through it!!!!! Now, Momma is not difficult. She even smiles at me when I walk into the room. She cannot talk any-more, yet I can understand what she is trying to say by looking into her eyes. No, I am not clairvoyant.......I have just learned to communicate with her. Sometimes I can walk into her room (I have kept her here at home as she wished I would. She did not want to be placed in a home. I made it my mission in life to keep her out of a home) Not because I'm some big noble chap, but rather, because due to the fact that I made her life very difficult when I went through my 25 years of living the life of a prodigal fool. I worried her sick!!! And for some reason, I had a resentment towards her for most of my childhood. Not sure why. Just did. Well, this whole affair has caused that resentment to VANISH and be replaced with a love and an affection that I have never felt for her. In fact, I am not sure who has been helped more......her......or me.

    As for my siblings, they are more concerned with their inheritance and how long momma will live etc etc etc.  I was the hellion of the family up until 10 years ago. But now, two of my sisters, both college educated, have chosen to follow the path that I USED to follow (pills, booze, loose lifestyle).  I dread it when they message me on Facebook and say that they are coming for a visit (always around their birthday or Christmas).  Momma made me promise to remember their monetary gifts on those occasions if she got where she couldn't remember.

   On top of all of THAT.....momma placed about 75% of her monetary worth in the sisters names (POD payable on death certificates) and my brother and me were left a pittance. My brother and I didn't go to college, and therefore was ostracised from the family.  But when momma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Dementia......I had a good job as an A/D counselor, good insurance, etc etc.........but had to give all of that up to take care of momma....according to her wishes of remaining at home. 

    I  NOW thoroughly enjoy improving momma's quality of life........but the only time that I get in a terrible 'funk' about it is when the sisters (two of them, the twins, the WILD ones....come......the other one is a dentist who cannot stand germs or the smell of bodily functions, so she NEVER comes) announce that THEY are coming for a weekend visit. Usually, they are hopped up on pills and are not theirselves. I have panic attacks and just generally get FULLY depressed when they come.  I DO NOT want to lose my mother, but she is slowly pulling into the fetal position......a sign of the latter stages of Alzheimer's.  And I also know that when momma's time comes to pass away, their will be a WAR concerning what she leaves behind. I will do my best to distance myslef from their horrific materialisticness.  It will take the very POWER of GOD to see me through. If for some reson, HE chooses not to help me through.....their is a very real chance that I will have a breakdown of some sort. I cannot STAND confrontational situations. And there will be plenty then. Thank God that my aunt was chosen to be momma's executor and not me.  I doubt that you, or anyone reads all of this. It would have been impossible to use less words.....unless I simply said: I fully understand what you are going through. But talking about it, and going back and re-reading it......will help me. Hope it helps you though since that is why I shared it.


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#9 DonnaA

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 04:46 PM

I read it all, Kevin, and I totally understand where you're coming from ... I pray your mom doesn't suffer and you will be blessed beyond measure for your sacrifices.


Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 

We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 

we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed.

~2 Corinthians 4:7-9~


#10 chipped china

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Posted 28 March 2014 - 01:45 AM

Thank you Kevin for sharing what your life is like. My heart is so tender for you, not wanting you to have to endure the heartache, and I also rejoice in the blessings the Lord is giving you. It's a wonderful lesson for us all to see Christ in you through the intimacy shared. Don't worry about the future, the Lord will care for you and guide you day by day. And remember when your momma finally goes to be with the Lord, a whole new chapter of your life will begin with all kinds of possibilities. It will be exciting to see where He takes you. 

your sister in Christ, betsy


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#11 Kevin Blankenship

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Posted 28 March 2014 - 06:57 AM

Chipped China  and DonnaA, you KNOW how much I appreciate your kind words. I REALLY do.  Christopher is going through tough time of it right now and stands in need of our prayers and words of encouragement.  I feel precisely like my long post has somehow taken the emphasis from his thread.

   Christopher, since miles separate us,  then words must suffice: You have my prayers (genuinely remembered) and the prayers of everyone here I'm sure.  That's a tough road but a scripture verse that I have quoted so many times during this is:  "I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me."   And so far, this verse has proven SO TRUE.  Hope this helps.


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#12 chipped china

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Posted 28 March 2014 - 03:55 PM

There are several people here reaching out in need. Jesus will hear my prayers,  thank you Kevin.



#13 Charles Miles

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Posted 29 March 2014 - 06:48 PM

Christopher, My heart breaks for you and your situation.  You once posted that people don`t care anymore, and you seemed to really have some problems with those thoughts.  Let me assure you that there are those of us who do care and who pray for you daily.  There is not much else we can do from all the way across the country, but there is someone who can and will help you through these situations.....Jesus.  I cannot say that I have been in exactly your situation, but some I have been in have been just as crushing on me.  Christ says that He nor the Father will ever leave us if we ask for their indwelling.  I, for one, do ask that for you.

Kevin my brother, I also ache over your situation and my prayer is the same for you and your mother. 

 

Lord, may your grace and love simply overwhelm these two situations.  You say that you will not allow more than we can bear, so I ask for your favor on these two men who love you.  They are yours Lord.

 

Praise God for who He is and what He does,

 

Charlie



#14 CHRISTOPHER310

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Posted 29 March 2014 - 08:58 PM

HUGS and Thanks Yous to everyone for all the support and words. I wish I could say things are getting better, but they are not. Each aspect is evolving into it's own mini-nightmare that must be dealth with. I won't bother going in details. It's kind of pointless.Just Thanlk You all!!!


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#15 DonnaA

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 06:38 PM

I hope that our Father's peace will surround you during this time.


Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 

We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 

we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed.

~2 Corinthians 4:7-9~