Well, when it rains it pours as I have heard. This must be true, but I don’t have an umbrella, floaties, nor can I swim. If it gets much worst, I fear I will sink and drown.
Me mom not only has serious issues with her heart and lungs ( from a life time of smoking ), but suffers from a strong case of depression. Mom has always been anti-social in a respectful way. Just who she is, but had her depression and increasing health issues into it and it has become a true storm. Her depression is very hard to handle as I am there for her. It’s like smoke choking the life out of anyone who is around. I am always around her so I feel like I can’t breath most of the time. Seems to be like a hurricane hell bent on destruction.
I am the only one who has forgiven her over our childhood and past so I am the only one who carries her issues on me and supports her. She needs something, I am the one who takes care of this. I spend alot of time helping her with her medical. Paper work, driving to doctor appointments and waiting hours on end, and whatever whenever I am always the one. So much for my siblings and so glad I am not related to them by blood. I am very weighted down, but will not leave mom without family support.
But yet, it has been confirmed this past week ( Thursday ) there is an indirect family member who has a larger brain cancer tumor that is very seroiuse. Options are very limited as hope of long term, if any term, survival for them. This has created some additional turmoil with in the family and some how I am connected to that. How or why I am not sure, but it has arrived at my door step to a door I am unable to keep shut it seems.
Monday morning I have to have mom at the hospital no later than 5:30 am. Her surgery will take a while and be high risk. It will be a long day and I will be alone waiting as I was last time. I have some church friends I am still close to and care alot about. I really would like one of them to be with me, especially if mom dies. But all have their own lives and no adjustable time to offer. I am not hurt or bad over this. Just feeling super alone and unable to breath.
If mom does die, I am fully and only in charge of everything legally. My siblings will go in for their great and egos and I will have to go against them to protect mom’s final wishes. This will be emotionally brutal war and I will not come out of it unhurt. Again, my church family will not be able to be there for me. This all will go on for a few weeks before I get everything settled. Then I will relocated to a new state. I have no reason to be ling where I am at. It’s not home nor where I feel comfortable being. I am only here for mom’s needs and nothing more. If she dies, I want to leave. I just need to know where I am going to go and I don’t have a clue.
I hate this. I really do. Feeling so overwhelmed, stressed, scared and alone. Not having the support in my personal life from the people I should have it from. Like I am nothing but a worthless tool ready to be discarded after use. This is not who or what I wanted to feel about myself and my life. What ever happened to love and family???
From bad to worst ...
#1
Posted 15 March 2014 - 11:00 AM
#2
Posted 16 March 2014 - 03:49 AM
- Julie Daube and DonnaA like this
#3
Posted 17 March 2014 - 08:13 AM
I understand you feel alone, and I am sorry your church friends can't be there for you during your time of need. I pray that it will give you some measure of comfort to know that you have friends in this forum who are thinking of you and praying for you. . . and that Jesus is with you always, even to the end of the age.
Grace and peace to you, my friend,
Julie
- DonnaA likes this
#4
Posted 17 March 2014 - 04:30 PM
adding my prayers to the above mentioned ...
please keep us posted on how we can share this burden with you in our prayers
Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us.
We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair;
we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed.
~2 Corinthians 4:7-9~
#5
Posted 17 March 2014 - 06:04 PM
been praying for you off and on today... and will continue praying.... please update as you can....
#6
Posted 18 March 2014 - 07:02 AM
praying for you
#7
Posted 23 March 2014 - 04:50 PM
I have been checking in regularly to see if there's an update on your Mom.
Continued prayers for both of you.
Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us.
We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair;
we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed.
~2 Corinthians 4:7-9~