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[CHRISTOPHER310]

As a Christian, I often feel like I shouldn’t be ‘dealing’ with death but rather ‘accepting’ death as it is a transformation of limited life to ever lasting life. I feel guilty in a  way when I am unable to make peace with death and the life that once was, but that is what I find myself doing these days.

A few weeks back, my aging mom, who already has multiple health issues, was diagnosed with a serious health issue that has no cure and very limited treatment for her comforts. This came as unexpected as it could over simple head aches she was having. She will die. This is a fact of her condition, but when is hard to say. It will probably be painful for her sadly. Mom has really gotten mean towards me. I am a dumping grounds more and more for her anger and negative emotions. Just me, not my siblings. Me, the only one who has forgiven her for the horrible childhood she put us through and the only one now who cares for her and helps her. Mom has become angry and mean and it hits me constantly. It’s very hard on me.

I have been wondering more about the life we leave behind than the life we are going to upon the arrival of death. What is the point of life we live on Earth if it becomes so invisible to everyone and forgotten after we die? Most of us live a life that is already invisible and meaningless to so many others on this planet, but for the limited few, it has value and purpose. Even to us it does. But after we die, the life we live seems to fade out as if not ever there to begin with. That bothers me alot and seems to be a pointless aspect of who we are. We live, survive, suffer, give, do, so on and on so much while we are alive and then it all goes away as if it was never here to begin with. Why? Why do we have to go through all of this just to have it erased so easily after we are gone? It’s not the after life that bothers me, but the before life that does.

Anyways, I am under a lot of stress and baggage so maybe I am just over thinking and feeling things too much. Thank God there is an after life because this before life sucks.

[Kevin Blankenship]

I, too, am my mother's caregiver. She was diagnosed with the terminal disease: Alzheimer's Dementia.  There was about a two year period where she was totally negative toward everything and at everyone. But I was the ONLY one that was there so her ire was directed towards me. I had to go outside and bawl my eyes out and then pray and then bawl and then 'beg God' until finally God sent the message to me (through another believer) that what momma was doing was NOT personal.....that Momma was NOT herself.  I would have to clean her up after she had soiled herself while she was sitting in her chair and she would fight, spit, pinch, swing (she is quite strong physically....and use to be strong mentally until brain atrophy began rigorously taking it's toll).

   Now, I am not saying that our situations are identical. But during that approximate 2 year period when she was in the aggressive stage that there were days that I entertained thoughts of putting her away in a retirement home. But now, I am SO glad that I didn't. She is now bedfast, with a feeding tube.....and a urinary catheter....and she is sweet and smiles alot and seems to understand and accept that I am taking care of her.

    My mother and I never got along (before  she was diagnosed and while I was out sewing wild oats).  Even since childhood (I am 51 now) I have always felt a kind of resentment towards her.  We would always end up fighting (verbally) when trying to have conversation. But for the three years that I have been her 24/7 care-giver, that resentment melted away. It is difficult to resent someone whom one is caring for night/ early morning/ morning/ day/ evening/ night. I learned to love her very very much.

    I am simply sharing my story for you so that perhaps you might find some solace.  I realize that your situation with your mother and my situation with my mother is different in many ways.  I am not trying to draw a parallel. Just trying to convey that that there IS  a light at the end of the tunnel for caregivers.  Hope this helps. kevin