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Surviving her end....


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#1 CHRISTOPHER310

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Posted 25 November 2014 - 12:33 PM

I have been assisting my aging mom in her daily life for a while now. She has dealt with several health issues and some are very much still on going. Out of all her kids, I am the only one who has forgiven her for the drunken violent childhood she put us through so I am the only one who dares to help her now a days. I am also the youngest and the only one who is adopted. Anyways. My mom was sober for a hand full of years and yet her personality did not improve much. Always has been the first one to see all the negative possibilities in everything and create so much unjustifiable drama. Turn a positive 4 into a negative 12 every time. Now she has returned to drinking and that really just amps the crap up and brings back a lot of the childhood we all had to survive. This is all bad enough, but it just got even worst. ( Of course it would. It is life, right?! )

This past Friday, mom was given a really negative diagnose over what we all thought was a simple issue she was having. It was unexpected and harsh. Saturday, mom got drunk of her butt and became very verbally hostile to me. Just me. Insulting and rude as all sin could be. The one person who is trying to be there for her, me, is the one person who is getting royally dumped on. Never the less, I took her crap and chose not to turn my back on her. Come Sunday, after I got done with my church things, I talked to mom. I made it clear to her that as much as I love her, I will not have this drunken crap put onto me all over again. I will not relive my childhood with her, especially sense I am the only one who is will to help her. My love is strong, but has limits to how much abuse it will allow me to take. I will not do this drunken crap again. If it happens, I’m out for good and she will have to find someone else to help her. She seem to understand and was apologetic. We will see what she does. I prefer for her to go talk to someone, but she flat out refuses and has every excuse in the world to refuse. I can’t make her legally so I can only do so much. Yesterday was Monday. Her doctor called us back in days earlier than planned. The blood work from Friday came back showing ( confirming ) the diagnoses already given. No additional tests or opinions need to be given. Mom is a healthy time bomb that can go off without warning at anytime. It’s the reality of her healthy.

Mom has other health issues that complicate things and need to be continue to care for. Mom has been given additional medication to help her, but the medications are not a cure. More of a comfort and slight better odds of prevention. No actual cure is possible. So everyday with mom is medications, situations, so on and on and with some attitude I must deal with. Mom’s end will come and it will not be peaceful or fast. It’s a reality of life that sucks, but can not be modified.

I am burnt out. I am so burnt out and have zero help or support. I will not turn my back on mom, but if she does that drunk thing again on me, I will make necessary adjustments for my own personal health. Please... Any thoughts?



#2 Julie Daube

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Posted 25 November 2014 - 05:35 PM

Christopher, please know that I am praying for you in this very difficult situation. I will try to respond in more depth when I have more time. Meanwhile, I pray for God's help, grace and mercy for you.

#3 Ginger

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Posted 25 November 2014 - 08:57 PM

Christopher... joining Julie and others in prayer.  Two Scriptures came to mind .... these may add to part of a foundation to build upon prayer wise ....

Mat_18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Heb_7:25 Wherefore he is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them.

 

...grace, mercy, strength and peace....will continue praying..... God's love enfold and hold you....

 

PS: the words above may sound unhelpful and over-spiritualized.  Please Know that prayers for grace, mercy, strength, peace, God's love to enfold you and hold you are meant for the state of being burned out and in a weakened condition.... may all come to you in a way that keeps you protected and strengthened when you may feel so weak that just being able to breathe takes energy ...  may God provide abundantly as only He Knows and keep you through all this and provide a support system for you....

 

We on the forum can keep praying for you and for your Mom and the rest of your family too.

 

There are Christians who go to Al Anon....

 

Praying and appreciate Charlie for his practical words.


Edited by Ginger, 26 November 2014 - 03:32 PM.


#4 Charles Miles

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Posted 26 November 2014 - 07:41 AM

Christopher, I admire you for your work with and love for your mother. Her lashing out toward you is probably because you are the only one around to be abused at this time. Alcohol abuse is very difficult to deal with and simply can`t be helped until the person wants to be helped. May God bless you for your efforts but please do be careful.

In Christ,

Charlie
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#5 elizabethcog

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Posted 26 November 2014 - 07:59 PM

I too join in with prayers in this really hard season,I pray for her too,that our God might use your service to soften her heart so she will see Jesus,then he will tend to all that he tends to like only he can. My Mom used to say the most awful things to me as I helped my Dad care for her and like you, only to me....I would cry but it did not change but God did change how I saw her and that new sight toward her gave me peace and realization that she was unhappy and working out some of her own"stuff".You might also seek comfort from others going through same issues like alanon(spelling?).I am so thankful for God showing me minute by minute how not to leave her and never come back like she told me to. In the end I was there to tell her how much I loved her and to tell her yes I forgive you,cause she asked me too. Peace friend and love ,in Christ
Jesus and Jesus alone saves=D

#6 chipped china

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Posted 28 November 2014 - 08:04 PM

This is so sad Christopher. I feel for you and think the guiding hand from the Lord is correct. There is such a fine line between being there for her and enabling her addiction. Praying for you both.



#7 Julie Daube

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Posted 03 December 2014 - 03:45 PM

A practical suggestion that occurred to me is to try to get some outside help from home healthcare workers if at all possible (I understand this is covered under Medicaid but not Medicare).

If there is no cure for your mom's condition, she may be eligible for hospice care, which is fully covered under Medicare. This was a God-send when my husband and I were caring for his mom. We had her in an in-home hospice program and they helped us (and her) tremendously. When she neared the end of her life, they were able to make her very comfortable so she died peacefully. They also had counselors available for us if we needed them.

Also, I urge you to look into respite care for yourself. You can search online and see what's available in your community. Respite care provides temporary relief for caregivers from the ongoing responsibility of caring for an ailing loved one. When my husband was in the hospital due to the stress of caring for his mom, the attending nurse recommended that we seek respite care for ourselves.

Here is a link on respite care: what it is, how it can help, how you pay for it, etc.

http://www.eldercare...spite_Care.aspx

#8 Fireweed Trekker

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Posted 04 December 2014 - 02:14 PM

Chris do take care of yourself, pace yourself, it's too easy to burn out and be no use to anyone including yourself.


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B?  & C?
 


#9 CHRISTOPHER310

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Posted 05 December 2014 - 07:15 PM

My ex will be here by next week and stay as long as she wants. We will be working together to organized my mother’s personal matters, get a solid game plane in places, and let our daughter spend time with my mom. It will be busy and emotional alot. I am grateful I don’t have to do this alone and that my ex is strong enough as a person and in heart to do this.



#10 Candice

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Posted 05 December 2014 - 07:38 PM

Christopher,

If your mother has a terminal illness (certified to likely die within 6 months), she qualifies for hospice service, and I think you live in the greater Los Angeles area where there's ample hospice services available. They can provide comfort care with skilled nursing, home health aides to do bathing, daily living assistance and volunteers to help if you need to go out of the home, will shop, stay with your mom, etc.

 

I pray you grow in the LORD through this and that the LORD heals all of your needs

..... Candice