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[CHRISTOPHER310]

The emotion and word love has been so over used and redefined so much that actual love doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Is this result of the wonders of the modern world we live in or just the normal, natural progression of things?

As an adult in my early 40’s, separated from my wife of many years and with a fragmented relationship with my young child, I wonder about this. About love. If it is real anymore? What happened to real love, if such a wonderful thing ever was alive to begin with?

I grew up in a non-loving household and family. Make no mistakes about my childhood. Love was not there in any real sense. It was a time of hate, anger, war, abuse, and love was just another tool available to use to survive it all daily. Growing up, love wasn’t there nor ever real.

As I became an adult and meant the woman that I so gave my heart to, I knew I had questions about if she really love me or just using me as so many before her had? I knew this woman was in a position of survival that she was unable to do on her own nor had anyone to help her with. There I was. This young man wanting to be with her. Have a life with her. Felt so strongly in giving to her as us and not just me. She knew this. It was obvious and she wasn’t stupid. Did she love me back or seen an opportunity to survive by using me to be there for her? Used love? I put those concerning questions aside so I could continue what I always wanted. Love. To be love and to love another. To have love build a life and someday, a family.

Years went by and the same childhood life I had survived came to rebirth in the life I had with this woman. Well into our marriage, I was reliving and surviving my childhood all over again. It was horrible, but I knew I loved this woman and was willing to keep trying to make things better with her. Between us, for us. Eventually we had a child. The moment I though that would finally bring about love between us and create the family I wanted. That was not to be I discovered. Not much changed for the better. The same life continued and love seem not to ever be apart of it or apart of us. Eventually, this woman left with our child in hand. I later had her tell me that she left me because she no longer had a use for me. ( As if all I was originally was a tool for her needs. ) A new war began. Separation, child custody, divorce. A war I never saw coming came like an instant hurricane on a sunny day. That eventually got settled to a manageable degree and now, I have a young child who, at times, expresses pure angry and hate towards me as her mother also does at times. Love? Where? Where has love ever been?

Now I am here at this point in my life. Alone without my wife, child, family, love. I can’t help but ask if love is real? If it ever has been real? And if it has, what in the blood hell happen to it?

Will I love again? Yes, I will. Because I know me and my heart. Will I ever be loved? Really loved and not used? At this point in my life, after everything, I say with such sadness that the answer in no. No, I will never be loved by another. Used, hurt, abandoned, yes... That I sure will be. Loved? No. No I will not be that as I see no evidence that love is there or ever will be there.

Any some wonder why I am so withdrawn from life. Why I am uncomfortable being so open to people in person? Why I am so negative in thought about society and people so much, so often. I do my best to hold onto believes of love being alive and real. To stay positive, but there are so many moments in life where I feel the results of society and people that I can’t hold perfectly. I become hurt and bitter and share negative opinions about people an society. Some need not to wonder, but to understand. I am not the only one. Many are like me including those who twist and use love as a tool of opportunity. Many survive without love ever touching them. Sad survival indeed.

So, what happened to love? Was love ever real and alive to begin with? If so, what happen to it? Where is it to be found now in a world of today like this we live in?

Written by: Christopher **** ~ July 11th, 2014