3 replies to this topic

[CHRISTOPHER310]

It was December 2010 and my life was over as I knew it.

Earlier in 2010, my wife walked out on me with our 4 year old daughter in hand. At the time, I did not know she wasn’t coming back nor that she plan to cut me out of my daughter’s life completely. All I knew was that her and I had relationship problems for years and yet, always stayed together. I had no reason to believe that my wife was not going to come back from a family visit out of state or the reason for the visit she gave me was a lie to cover up her plans to leave me for good.

When I finally realized my wife wasn’t coming back, that she lied to me and that she had intentionally shut me out of my daughter’s life, I reacted. Yes, out of anger and hate I reacted, but also out of the love for my daughter and as a father. I reacted and took matters to the legal system. Lawyers, police, court orders and so much more. All legal options where explored and most where used. My wife and I went into legal battles. It was horrible. Two people who once loved each other attacking each other now. Parents of an amazing little girl going head on with each other. It was even worst cause neither of us gave much thought ( if any ) to the position and pain we were putting this innocent child of ours in. As parents, we failed and it was so obvious to the world, but not to us.

After months of battles and tons of emotions and money, the legalities concluded enough for the dust to settle between my wife am me. Our daughter survived, but was forever emotionally marked by the ignorance of her parents. My wife and I ended up with joint custody and equal rights. For the most part, the best and fairest outcome that could of happened, happened. I was satisfy. I lost my wife, but kept my legal rights and abilities to be a father to my daughter and be a part of her life. My daughter was adjusting to the new situations rather well. Yes, I was satisfy. That was December 2010, however...

In that same December 2010, my life was over and I knew it. Something inside of me that I can never express in words, was so hurt and destroyed. Something that brought the life I always knew to an end. I remember sitting on the bed in what was the master bedroom of my wife and me. I sat on the bed with a razor blade in one hand, looking down at the wrist of my other arm and wanting to end my life. Even though I got what I wanted from the legal battles between my wife and me. I got my life with my daughter intact, I still was hurting so bad inside and felt I lost my life. That the only thing I had left was pain that was not ending. Pain I could not and did not know how to end. I sat there with the razor blade thinking of slitting my wrist and letting all that pain slowly bleed out of me. That was an option I was seriously considering.

I had no real family support to turn to or lean upon. No friends beyond a lose friendship here and there. I was on my own in the end as the dust settles between my wife and me.

Then in this very brief second of time, I had another thought. I thought, God. Turn to God. Ask God for help. Give God a chance to take my life rather than me take my own life. In this very brief second of time, I held back with the razor blade and instead, I broke down emotionally, crying out to God for help. That was the moment that forever changed my life in ways I could of never thought or foreseen.

I told God that I am hurting. Hurting bad and I didn’t know why. That I did not want to die. I just want the pain to die and I wanted another shot at my life. I couldn’t do this on my own. I asked God to help me. To help remove my pain and to give me another shot at life. Help me rebuild my life, but not in the way it was. The way my life was obviously didn’t work so I know I can’t rebuild it the same way. I asked God to take my life as I give it to him and rebuild it anew. Into something better than it was before. Into something beyond what I can do.

It was right after that conversation with God that I had another thought. Put down the razor blade and turn on the computer. I ended up e-mailing a so - so friend with a request for insight into local counseling options. It was a simply act and the best one I had at the time. That e-mail was responded to in a matter of minutes. They sent me a link to a website that had plenty of resources for me to explore. I took that link and explored. I eventually came across a counseling option the fit my needs really well, but one based out of a local church. I did not want to bring ‘religion’ into my struggles nor what I feared of ‘religious’ people. Never the lest, I did set up a first appointment and gave it a shot.

That was December 2010. There has been many struggles from then until now ( April 2014 ). I will skip those years of details and struggle. I will share this. It’s been years since I felt that bad and felt so self destructive. Instead, I have gotten the emotional help and healing I needed. I gotten the spiritual growth and passion I now thrive on. Baptized in 2011 and re-baptized in 2012. Actively involved in my church for years on many different aspects. Services, volunteering, classes, groups, and many, many friends and support. I have a relationship with God that is always a learning and growing experience that never fails on me. I have shared God’s love with some who aren’t believers with so - so results. But most of all, I got that other shot at my life. I got my life rebuilt anew in a way better than what it once was or ever was. All I sought and asked for, I found and have been blessed with. God gave me what I asked for. No, I don’t live a perfect life. Ha, not by any means do I live a perfect life, but I never asked God for a perfect life. I got the life I asked God for and to that, I am incredibly grateful for. God was there for me when I wasn’t there for myself. I got God in my life.

I don’t live the life I once did. Yes, I still have times where I have issues and struggles, but that is because I am human and such matters are apart of all human life. I still have a wonderful relationship with my daughter who is becoming a typical child, but ever so the love of my heart. My wife and I are not yet divorce even over the years apart. That is a topic left for another time to share. I can say I no longer hold anger or hate for my wife. I have been free of such things towards her.  I am me. I am living this new life from the ashes from the old life I once lived. I am the end result of God’s love and blessings.

This is my incomplete testimony of how I came to God and became a Christian. No regrets. Just a constant desire for more as everything is a blessing.

[Julie Daube]

Thank you for sharing, Christopher! I pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to work in your life and that God will bring the work he began in you to completion. Also praying for your wife and daughter to experience abundant life in Christ.

[DonnaA]

I like what Julie said, I stand in agreement with that.

 

Thanks for sharing

[chipped china]

Thank you for sharing Christopher. God works in miraculous ways if we only surrender to him. You are a classic example of how this is done. Praise to YOU Lord Jesus for giving us hope and direction, the reason to keep running the race. love, betsy